FOLIO OLIO: TUESDAY #2081

My fantasy is having two women at once.
One cooking, one cleaning.

Animals doing what animals do...

NEVER YAWN IN A MEN’S RESTROOM!

Occasionally, if you pay really close attention, life doesn’t suck.

My principal once called a faculty meeting to announce he had a new favorite ice cream flavor….Fudge Blondie.

Homes built but still not sold after housing bubble burst...

Talk about your Groupthink....I find that very depressing.

It’s called PMS because Mad Cow was taken.

Yeah, yeah, I get the "That's what she said" gag, but I like to say that at inappropriate times, like when someone says "You want to share some nachos with me?" or "I think our taxes are too damn high," and I say, "That's what she said," and it takes them a second or two to figure out I'm just fucking with them. I like fucking with people.

Do you think she knows what she's doing...

You can bet your sweet ass on it.

I get not torturing or abusing animals, but now you’re telling me I can’t even eat them? Be honest with yourself…what does a chicken really contribute to society?

Kissing a woman properly is just as satisfying as sex according to a new study I just made up to convince people I’m not just merely lazy.

Juxtaposition...

Do you really think that it’s a coincidence that beer rhymes with cheer?

Man wears suit made of raw chicken skin...

No word on motivation.

Testing space suit in oven...

I once had a date who was picking her nose WHILE asking me what my pet peeves were.

This looks photoshopped, but it's not...

Israeli soldier doing what Israeli soldiers do...

Have you ever altered a Widipedia page just to win an argument?

SWAT team member showing school kids his weapons....

My wife once told me she wanted to dress like a Catholic school girl and have me spank her so hard it would leave a hand print on her ass for a week. That frightened me.

I have a thing about seeing things I've never seen before...

I like seeing things I've never seen before.

There is nothing more frustrating than a sneeze that fizzles out just before you get to bring it to glorious fruition. And we don’t even have a word for it.

Two weeks ago, at a conference in South Africa, scientists met to discuss how to contain a deadly banana disease outbreak in nearby Mozambique, Africa. At fault was a fungus that continues its march around the planet. In recent years, it has spread across Asia and Australia, devastating banana plants.

For all the advertising they do, auto insurance must be the most profitable business in the universe.

Amish dildo…

If you’re watching a documentary on serial killers at 3am, you can skip the “This program may be disturbing to some viewers” blurb. You didn’t just stumble onto this channel. Even cartoons are disturbing at 3am.

If you’re going out for some heavy drinking, clean your toilet before you leave.

And my #1 advisor says that Israel bulldozes all the olive trees in Gaza to break the Palestinian's hold on the land.

Said to be true...

I knew I had met a winner when my wife said she smoked because she had an oral fixation.

From contributor Abby...

Emailed from a frequent flyer...

Had to take it down because it is "not FAA approved". Didn't really matter that much though. I purposely picked a seat opposite the sun while in the air. Always have, always will. It was just blazing hot on the ground. One of the passengers referred to me as Mcguiver. A laugh was had by all. I even got a free beer voucher from the guy next to me for being "industrious".

Then I noticed this...

...and wrote - Can I assume you were in an emergency exit seat? If so, I can understand them getting a little squirrelly.

Most photographed place: The Guggenheim...

And that from a site that seemed to know what it was talking about.

Pluto and its moon, Charon.

One Of My Very Own...

Technically they were both just doing their jobs.

Speaking of...

Saw a listing of the most expensive call girls in the world, this one's name caught my attention...

By the way, the most expensive was $50,000 for a night.

So my wife came home, handed that button to me and said, "The guy at the tattoo parlor gave this to me." Then she laughed.
Now you should know that my wife calls my dick Willie.
So I thought about what had just happened for many long minutes, then went in and said very seriously, "Would please explain to me how a guy at the tattoo parlor knew that we call my dick Willie?"
The she cracked up and explained that the one armed guy I liked so much was named Willie and he had them made up. Yeah, I was a little embarrassed.

Graffiti is so negative. I think this transcends graffiti...