One
Of My Very Own…
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There is a reason people are criminals...they are not smart enough to do anything else.
And then's there's this guy...
Oh, and while he was at the hospital they found out he had an outstanding warrant.
He said that he stuck down in the fueling port because he thought someone had put chocolate down in there. That explains it.
There is a lot of sympathy for this guy.
I don't want to seem cruel, but if you don't want to get fucked by law enforcement, STOP COMMITTING CRIMES!! And be white.
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Want to guess what this is?
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Football gambling. Any of you people playing along with me on my football pool, last week I missed 22 points on five losses.
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What kind of an engineer designs an item like a USB plug-in
or a phone charger and doesn’t put a big white dot on the top to indicate which
way to insert it? Seriously, can you imagine if gas pumps for your car, or 110
power cords on your toaster, or suppositories were designed so that 50% of the
time the customer was bound to GET IT WRONG!? This insanity must cease.
Further, fuck the white dot, make it a big white RAISED
dot so you can feel the correct “upness” even if you are too stupid to read!
Why aren’t we all leaving comments on every company’s website who fucks with us
like this? Sheeple, indeed!
I am officially a Cubs fan. Write that shit down.
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Lastly, it is difficult to explain how hard my wife is working to aid the flood victims. I am also proud of her and all the young people who just show up to tote stuff. Churches have stepped up.
But interestingly, it not so much about getting stuff donated, but about getting the donated stuff organized so it gets to the people who need it.
For instance, diapers are in great need, so the donations are sorted and a when a car pulls up, a volunteers asks, "What size?", then goes to fetch that size. Things like that are very, very important.
The government? Not so much. I know they have "big" problems to deal with (levee repair and stablizing water supplies), but right in the middle of this shit, city police are riding around ticketing people for not sorting their water logged belongings that they put out on the street. It's like they haven't seen a flood like this in 1000 years....oh, yeah.
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Lastly, it is difficult to explain how hard my wife is working to aid the flood victims. I am also proud of her and all the young people who just show up to tote stuff. Churches have stepped up.
But interestingly, it not so much about getting stuff donated, but about getting the donated stuff organized so it gets to the people who need it.
For instance, diapers are in great need, so the donations are sorted and a when a car pulls up, a volunteers asks, "What size?", then goes to fetch that size. Things like that are very, very important.
The government? Not so much. I know they have "big" problems to deal with (levee repair and stablizing water supplies), but right in the middle of this shit, city police are riding around ticketing people for not sorting their water logged belongings that they put out on the street. It's like they haven't seen a flood like this in 1000 years....oh, yeah.
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Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him
you're interested by repeatedly asking "Why doesn't our lawn look
that nice?"
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In
the 1880s, Nellie Bly battled against the horrific treatment of mental asylum
patients by feigning mental illness and going undercover for 10 days in a
mental asylum, so that she could report on the appalling conditions therein. In
doing so, she created a social movement for reform.
That is a very, very handsome woman...seriously. I mean, Damn! That look in her eye, though...she is not a woman to fuck with.
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King
George VI
I've never seen anyone that looked more like they had a large stick up their arse.
"Smile, George!"
"I am smiling."
"I am smiling."
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The
REAL Chicken George portrayed in ALEX HALEY'S ROOTS..
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What idiot called it a rattlesnake's warning a rattle and
not a cautionary tail?
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Doctor humor.
I'm going to re-tell a doctor story for my new visitors.
I went to the doctor because I was getting splitting headaches when I orgasmed. He asked me if I had a sense of humor and I said that I did. He said, "We doctors call that a fucking headache." Come to find out it was just a sinus condition.
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Odd to see this written that way.
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I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you
procrastinate before even receiving a task.
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Nowadays, this is how it feels to tell a sexist joke at a party.
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Who picks up the seeing eye dog's poop?
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Johnny
Clem - He enlisted at the age of 10, served in the 22nd Regiment Michigan
Infantry as a drummer boy. In 1863, he was promoted to Sergeant after shooting
a Confederate officer at Chickamauga. He is the still considered to be the
youngest non-commissioned officer in United States history.
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What a wonderful thing...
If I owned such a thing I would look at it every day of my life.
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Flowing
Data has a remarkably depressing animated chart. Plug in your age and sex and
watch 'em drop.
I stared at this for a long time. Here's the link and I think you will like it...just type in your age and get ready to get depressed.
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FUN WITH LANGUAGE
Ran across this short article and thought you might like it.
I had a friend who took his wife to meet an old college buddy and prior to the date he told the buddy that his wife was almost deaf and he should speak up....and he told the wife the exact same thing about the buddy.
He said that they screamed at each other half the night until he fessed up.
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A
4-year-old boy from Okemah, Oklahoma, was forced by his teacher to
write with his right hand, even though he’s left-handed. The child was sent
home with a letter about how left-handedness is often associated with evil and
the devil.
Yet we are asked to respect all religious beliefs.
If it talks like a delusional bitch, and walks like a delusional bitch, then it's a delusional bitch.
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If it talks like a delusional bitch, and walks like a delusional bitch, then it's a delusional bitch.
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I'm dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Your father is rich?
No, he too dreamed of getting rich.
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What.....fun.
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Real headline:
And you thought you had a rough mom.
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Read an entire article titled:
Read an entire article titled:
"Can
you smell all of the smell out of something?"
Of course you can, but it's mostly the odor fading over time. Like smelly sneakers left in the garage for a month, or that fart you cut in bed that made your wife vomit within minutes of intense sheet flapping. She still slept on the couch...for two nights....and only after changing the sheet...but that might just be my wife.
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Something to think about...
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When I hear someone crying, I immediately cry louder to
establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room.
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Remember these kinetic sculptures?
You got kids? Get one of these.
Remember these kinetic sculptures?
As a noted educator, I strongly recommend you buy that.
Speaking of kids...
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Next generation chess...
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Have you ever put a handkerchief on your boner and
pretended it was a ghost?
(I'm asking for a friend.)
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Fast learner.
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On my travels I have seen so very many depressing towns like this one.
I think a lot about the people who live in such towns. Maybe they have a great poetry circle or a book club. Or they meet to watch great classic movies then critique it. Maybe there is a painter who awes them with his/her insight. Or they just get drunk every night and wallow in their own misery and lack of cultural contact.
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If you can’t handle me at my worst…I don’t blame you –
that shit is ridiculous.
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The drunk kids sounded like that nun choir before Whoopi
Goldberg showed up.
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Water
is frozen and then coated in a dual-layered membrane derived from seaweed. When
the water melts, it is sealed in the sturdy and biodegradable coating. A
thirsty individual would simply puncture the membrane to take a drink, and can
then discard the membrane or simply eat it.
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This reminds me of my last (and last) trip to Mexico.
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The TV said dam was “breached.” I looked it up. It means
“busted.” The dam busted.
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Hunger is the best seasoning.
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The patience of Job...
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Just because you are trash doesn’t mean you can’t do great
things. It’s called a garbage can, not garbage can't.
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Wood-to-stone
joint in Japan
You know me well enough to know that looking at that gave me a tingling in the groin.
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