About Me

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I'm an artist, an educator, Pastafarian and I write. I also will gamble on just about anything. And I like unusual juxtaposition, but I love my wife...and beer. This blog is observations from a funny old man who gets pissed off every once in a while. Oh, and I mispell alot.

Wednesday, August 3, 2016

WEDNESDAY #2781

One Of My Very Own…



ralph.henry.at.folio.olio@gmail.com



I have often had dreams that I have written novels about. I had another one last night.

A very close flyby of an astroid that made several orbits around the earth before streaking off resulted in billions of little packets floating down to earth. Each packet, about the size of a restaurant wet wipe package, had no marking whatsoever. Scientists warned about even touching them, but, of course, many people ignored them. When opened either a shirt or pants swelled like one of those tiny sponges that enlarge when hydrated. Then some people put them on and were amazed that within hours the shirt or pants adjusted themselves to a perfect fit no mater how large or small the human was. And almost immediately they discovered that no matter where the person was situated, the garments kept their body at the perfect temperature - warm in the snow, cool in the desert. When word spread of that, everyone began to wear them, soon discovering that they were impervious to any damage...fire, knife, gun shot.
Weeks later another flyby and this time the packets contained booties and gloves, with the same worldwide acceptance.
The changes in societies were profound, with the virtual elimination of wounds and hyperthermia.
Months followed, then the last flyby and the packets contained a ski mask-like head covering with holes for your eyes, nose and ears.
There being no negative feedback from anyone, anywhere, almost everyone on the planet donned the garments.
Then at the same minute all around the world, the different parts of the suit melded into one seamless suit that could not be taken off no matter what was attempted.
You have my permission to use that idea if you wish. Just send me a copy.

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I was never above calling in sick from the parking lot.

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That's embarrassing.

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The relative size of everything in the universe, an interactive scale. You will like it.
http://blogs.scientificamerican.com/symbiartic/an-interactive-scale-of-everything-in-the-universe/

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Ariana Gandhi


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Sleep is like a 33% tax on life.

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Precisely. Let's usher in the use of U, R and Y immediately.

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Ever wonder the difference between a brook, creek, stream, etc. Here's the best way to remember.
You can step over a brook; jump over a creek; wade across a stream; and swim across a river.
You're welcome.

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You have all seen this by now. A fighter "captures" a defeated opponent with a Pokemon thingy.


Well, here if the aftermath of such fun.


The attending physician said that he had only seen wounds like that in automobile wrecks and disastrous falls.

And that was inflicted with a man's bare hands.

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I abhor shit like this...


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If you step on a person's foot, they will open their mouth just like a trash can.

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Subtle, this...


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There are people who are very good at tracking down images on the internet; I am not one of those people.

However, if you are one of those people, please perform your magic on that image. I can't imagine why that would be necessary.

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Reminding you that I actually saw this fake sign during one of my travels out west.


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I don't want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping my gas.

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Speaking of cows...




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Something we don't think about nearly enough...




And never forget, that mankind owes its whole existence to the fact that the earth has six inches of top soil and rain.

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These poots are made for walking.


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I don't want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money for it to be called an assassination if I'm murdered.

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I wish making babies was like trigonometry, that way stupid people wouldn't be able to do it.

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Telling people not to succumb to peer pressure is peer pressure.

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Read that again.

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Speaking of...


The yoni massage, a massage performed exclusively on women's genitals, is intended to "free sexual energy," and costs $330/hr. But unlike the seedy rub-and-tug shops men go to in order to liberate their root chakras, the yoni massage is legal.

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A young friend and I discussed the amount of food thrown away because they are cosmetically inferior.

This seems like a nice solution.

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New Zealand








Zealand is the largest and most populated island in Denmark with a population just under 2.5 million. Can one assume that was the namesake for your island?

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Need some motivation?


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Gentle Reader, the man being brutally attacked is Mr. Reginald Denny, a decent man just trying to make a living..

During a riot he was dragged out of his truck and assaulted with thrown heavy objects within an inch of his life.

Even after losing consciousness to attack continued unabated. The man above is celebrating the "knock out" blow from a thrown brick.
This is the aftermath.

All of the perpetrators were found not-guilty because they were "caught up in the frenzy of the mob," so evidently it is permissible to almost kill a man if it is a group effort, but a crime if one acts alone.

With that in mind, I find these drivers' actions totally justified.


Remember, the only mistake that Mr. Denny made was stopping his truck.



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PEOPLE WHO KNOW WHAT THEY ARE DOING



Limbo Wold Record Holder, Shemika Charles.


This guy knows how to kick ass.

And he never even let go of his groceries.

These people know how to make a costume!


I have some questions about this.

He obviously knows what he is doing, but why waste good beer? Also, did you notice that the last two cans are bigger than the others? I wonder if that is significant? And what in the hell is that large object behind him on the right?

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A joke so white that 75% of them were raised by both parents.
I know it is much more complicated than that, but it was a cool thing to write.

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Said to be SpaceX Falcon 9 CRS-9 Launch & Landing in one picture.


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And now, Gentle Reader, the funniest thing I have ever seen on the internet. If you don't laugh at this, then you need a serious attitude adjustment.

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Wait for it...

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Hahahabananahaha

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Me: Wait, so it's cool for you to use my phone charger, but I can't touch yours?
Wife: Correct.

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1 comment:

Simon Beer said...

Ever wonder the difference between a brook, creek, stream, etc....
Very good.
I spent a lot of time working in some very remote places and remembered someone saying something similar about woods:
You can see through a copse, walk through a wood and get lost in a forest. I liked that.

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