About Me

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I'm an artist, an educator, Pastafarian and I write. I also will gamble on just about anything. And I like unusual juxtaposition, but I love my wife...and beer. This blog is observations from a funny old man who gets pissed off every once in a while. Oh, and I mispell alot.

Monday, June 5, 2017

MONDAY #3088

One Of My Very Own...


SATISFACTION



A lot of people have sent me that now famous image thinking it reminded them of me.

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My grandson won another NASCAR pool. He sure can pick 'em.



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Yes Google, you must know by now that I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.


ODD BEHAVIORS

This young woman needs recognition.

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Traveler stopped in fear the guy was dead or injured.
The guy sat up and said, "Oh I'm fine, I'm just laying here cause it gets people to stop. It's easier than hitchhiking" 

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When my youngest daughter said "fuck you" to her sister for the first time.

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The "Is that bitch still here" girl...

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Let's have another look at this gem...

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You would think they would just sacrifice a shop vac and suck it up.

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Dad's game cam caught his daughter sneaking in late.
She's stoned, drunk, just-fucked, or two or more of those.

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Another lucky sumbitch.
Still pissed off, but lucky none the less.

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Chaos at French Grand Prix due to oil on track.
Dress for the slide, not the ride.

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I think that every thinking adult should see that movie.
You really don't want to be the only one on the ward who hasn't seen that movie.

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Let's blow some bubbles.
Is there anything Americans won't buy?
Seriously, somebody sat down and thought about that, then found funding. But then think about the Chinese children who are actually making them...what must they think of Americans?


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TEACHER: Little Joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions.
PARENT: Good luck dealing with that.
(ps: Parents have told me those exact same words.)


UNCLE RALPH'S LEARNING CORNER

This is just a reminder to me of how hard it is to come up with new plots.
I usually wrote from the inside out. I would start in the middle and work myself back to how the characters got there, then proceed with how they resolved the problem.

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World's shortest international bridge.
It connects India to Pakistan...I think.

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I never knew this.
There are no breaking waves in the area of a rip tide.
And in case you forgot, here's how to escape one.

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The US/Mexico border is clearly visible from space using an infrared lens. On the north side is the US, which is covered in rich farmland (colored in red), while the barren expanse of land in Mexico is punctuated with more or less barrenness. 

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Fossilized Jellyfish
Some guy on the internet said they were, in fact, not jellyfish, but who the fuck really cares.

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They must have been some busy fellows.

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Said to be where the terms upper and lower case come from.
But surely they had a need for those terms before the type setter. Anybody?


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New superhero: The Delegator
"This looks like a job for... Someone Else!" 


THINGS WE NEED TO THINK ABOUT.

I loathe stupidity in movies. People should at least act like they have average intelligence.
How many movies have you see a person being chased by a car and they run IN THE FUCKING ROAD?!

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Scenario #2: Your squad disables a tank and it is on fire. The hatch flips up and the tank commander scrambles out. You shoot him dead because if he gets back to his lines he will just get in another tank and come after you again for round two.
What is the difference?

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Have had several long talks with a young man whose father is from South America. Things like the above really piss him off. He puts it this way: America has been exploiting South America for a hundred years, ruining their economy and corrupting their governments. Then when they flee the misery the US caused, the same US resents them and tries everything short of land mines to keep them out.

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Makes perfect sense to me.


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That is exactly how I feel. Nowhere is it written that you must be either all liberal or all conservative. It's called thinking for yourself.

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Half of the U.S. lives in these counties.
Without the Electoral College, those counties could select every president. They would then be the only areas who must be pleased by every administration. No politician would give a shit about all the others.

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Confusing numbers on this topic. I know about over 50% of humans living in cities and city dwellers traditionally have less children; and I know about there being much less infant mortality in much of the world; but somehow population growth is still considered one of most important problems.

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I don't think I'm being an alarmist if I say we all need emergency planning.
Besides the normal occasional tornado and hurricane that leaves use without food and such for a few days, I'm most worried about cyber warfare from some rogue state. I think that is a real possibility and really think we should cover our asses by at least having some food stocked away. And beer.
But remember, all that stuff is yours only until some other desperate person decides to take it from you. That's were the guns come in handy.

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What a delightful word. I have been preaching that for years. Lady cuts me off in traffic and I'm the guy who thinks that she might have a bleeding child in the car or rushing to visit a dying aunt. Of course it's not always correct, but it keeps me on an even keel.

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24 hour coverage has done more to ruin media reporting than anything else.
They don't so much report news, but rather what their focus groups tell them the public will tune in to. And remember the sponsor doesn't give a shit what you are watching as long as you are also watching their commercials.

Then there is the agenda of the corporate overlords.
There are those who are upset that a white guy killing a black couple is news and a black guy killing a white couple is not news. I'm not sure how I feel about that. I don't like that in every home security commercial the burglar is always white, when in fact that is statistically not the case. 

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I was born to be married. I will tell anyone who cares to listen that if it wasn't for my wife I would be living up under a bridge by now.


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A colleague asked me "what's wrong?", and that's a month of her life she won't get back!


PEOPLE OF NOTE

That supposes that in a short ten years we will be advanced enough to pull that off. 
Question: I assume that they will join his spinal cord to that of his host body. If they are capable of doing that, why can't they fix severed spinal cords in today's accident victims?

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When Welsh fruit grower Mike Smith set out to create a novelty chili pepper for a national grower’s show, he had no idea he would accidentally end up with the world’s hottest pepper. Called Dragon’s Breath, the record-breaking pepper scores a whopping 2.48 million units on the Scoville scale of hotness. It can’t really be consumed unless you’re willing to put your life at risk. The old record was 2.2 million units.


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With the age of political correctness closing its humorless noose around our collective necks, somehow we sensed that the end of an era had arrived for Don Rickles, one of the funniest guys in the world, was the last of a dying breed. 

After a stint in the navy during WWII and graduating from the American Academy of Dramatic Arts, Don wasn't getting any acting gigs, so he switched over to stand-up comedy. But he found that his stand-up act wasn't getting many laughs from the customers. So he started insulting them. He quickly discovered that the paying crowds liked (and laughed more) at his insult shtick than his stand-up routine, so he stuck with it.


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This is Maria Sibylla. She, in the late 1600s, was the first person to discover caterpillars and butterflies were the same creature and captured her discovery in her beautiful and groundbreaking scientific illustrations.
I'm thinking she wasn't the first to notice it; she was the first to publish it.

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"Theunis Botha, 51, ran a professional hunting safari service that takes rich assholes into the wilderness to kill large animals." 
"According to the company’s website, it specializes in hunting leopards and lions with trained hounds. A couple of weeks ago, Botha was leading a hunt in Gwai, Zimbabwe, when they stumbled upon a herd of mating elephants. From the report: Three elephant cows stormed the hunters and Botha shot at them. A fourth cow stormed them from the side and one of the hunters shot her after she’d lifted Botha with her trunk. The shot was fatal and as the cow collapsed, she fell on Botha."
I have so many mixed emotions about that.

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This is kind of fun.

Match the men to their professions.

1) Mathematician

2) Economist

3) Psychologist
4) Entomologist

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He qualified because he liked to play with the same toys as the dead Lama. I can't help but laugh.

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My daughters arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite - dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat.

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I find that hilarious. I know that 100% of you think the guy is A: Insane; B: A con man. But you will accept the exact some ridiculous narrative from a 2000 year old book. Both stories are equally contemptibly naive.


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