About Me

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I'm an artist, educator, militant anti-theist , and I write. I gamble on just about anything. And I like beer...but I love my wife. This blog contains observations from a funny old man who gets pissed off every once in a while.

Friday, August 27, 2021

FRIDAY #4629

 One Of My Very Own





My grandson's new after-school activity...

He just turned 6.






Stay very alert to people who just invent "facts" to make their argument. That should be the mantra of every American.


*The fastest-growing ethnic group in America is "Mixed", something I have advocated for decades.




If you designed a country would you include that aspect?


*For my wife.

I figured that out a long time ago. I just put a shelf across the arms of my recliner.



That is something I never thought about. Very interesting.



Y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?



This stick looks like a burning torch, flame included!

Fossilized Fire?


Remember the stylized swimmers I painted in that swimming pool complex...the one where the woman asked me why the horses were pushing the balls with their noses? 


Two weeks later I was cleaning out my paper rack and came upon the original design I used to sell the mural.

I've almost finished dismantling the rack...

And every inch of it is solid wood crying to be transformed into a thing of greater utility and beauty.


Ancient Egyptians wore gold sandals with toe caps to match.

Did you notice one is missing?


It took me a moment to realize it's a melted backboard. Under no circumstances would I discard it. I would mount it in my rebuilt home as a memento.


Teflon Tape

Nuclear missiles have a maintenance cover held on with dozens of screws. But toward the end of its useful lifespan, we were told we had to seal the entire lid with long pieces of metallic pressure-sensitive tape. We called it 1000 mph duct tape.

But later when we removed the tape for the missile's next scheduled maintenance it pulled the paint off. Then we had to sand the site, prime it, and repaint it. Then we had to install new tape that we knew would just pull the paint off in a year during its next scheduled maintenance.



Wife: Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.

I didn’t hear “for the bar.”



This is for my wife...

Every night when I sit on the side of the bed taking my glasses off she scratches my back...or pretends I am the bear and she is the pine tree. Good times.


I can imagine there are many places where doors and windows have to be secured due to invading wild critters.


A 392-year-old Greenland shark, he has been roaming the seas since the early 1600s, and maybe longer. Scientists found a group of Greenland sharks and estimated that this shark is the oldest living vertebrate on the planet.

*I'm pretty sure I've shown you that before but who wouldn't want to view such a magnificent creature more than once?


Even the mother duck wants in on the action. I'm thinking he probably raised them.


I once watched a documentary where there were two dolphins in two separate pools. One dolphin was taught to press one of five buttons with pictures on it out of view of the other dolphin and upon a successful completion was given a fish. The first dolphin then swam to the wall separating it from his buddy and "told" it which one of the identical buttons to push. Time after time the second dolphin pressed the correct button with no instructions other than the instructor dolphin's squeaks.


Dog day Sunday - Catch me if you can!!

My friend's dog chased a squirrel on the lawn for weeks and weeks but the squirrel always made it to the safety of a tree before being caught. Then the dog thought about it and instead of running at the squirrel it ran toward the tree and once it got to the tree first the squirrel was doomed.


That's A LOT of blood!

Does anyone know who is eating whom?



Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on your studies.


I think the other guy should have replied, 

"That's my finger."



My wife taught them everything they know about dancing.


"Miss" Nude America is a "Mrs"!


I hate those kinds of restaurants.




As I have previously stated, that that father is far more excited by his son hitting his first home run than he was when his younger self did the same.


Can I safely assume that that black thing at his feet is the access door to the top?


Something is about to go wrong. Care to guess what spoils his efforts most dramatically?


Fuck him.


How to pass every inspection

Back when annual vehicle inspections were required, my friend would tell the young inspector that he must clean EVERYTHING off the front seat. And he would leave a 12 pack of beer on the seat. It was always gone and he never failed a test.


But that also reminds me of a new First Sergeant at our squadron when I still lived in the barracks. I always had a huge poker game in my room on payday. One payday the cards were flying and the door swung open and there stood the new First Sergeant standing just like this.

We locked eyes and then he smiled and said, "Is there an open chair?" I ordered a guy out of the game and our First Shirt made it to the game every payday after that.


I was advised to watch a documentary about how she ran her "hospital" and it changed my opinion of her forever.

If anyone knows how to find that documentary please let me know. I think everyone should watch it.

*I found it myself:



It was so funny watching my stoned daughter come home after a date and try to act normal and thinking I couldn't tell she was stoned.

I have told every father who cares to listen that I would have been seriously concerned about my daughters if they had graduated high school without experimenting with drugs and sex.


This pilot does everything possible to save his plane before punching out.

I so do love a perfect segue to the next section.



When telling a lover you want to break up, introduce it with the word “methinks” so they’re happy to let you go.



I'm thinking it was bought at auction.


Thrust vectoring nozzles of F-22

Absolutely beautiful.




Ultra-light, low power, long-duration flight...


Watch how the magnets separate the pieces...


Battle bots fatality

But what is that white snakelike thing?



Why doesn't Bruce Banner tear his pants when he turned into The Hulk? Because the gamma rays altered his jeans.




I may lose viewers but I will do everything in my power to show you ways to save not only your life but the lives of your neighbors and family.

Consider it a price of admission to this blog...or just skip it.

I REFUSE to be respectful to people who deliberately take none of the responsibilities of being a citizen in a functional democracy.

But not all Christians are insane.

Hell, I'm the guy who believes ALL federal welfare should be tied to proof of vaccine.

Those fools never believed it had anything to do with being "approved". It was just something they could say to rebuff urging.

There are now thousands of such stories. One would think the word would spread.

Then there's this prick gambling the lives of the children in his state for political expediency.

"The republican death cult has fucked things up good.  Deliberately."

But it wasn't like he didn't warn us...

People who are too stupid to understand science following other people who are too stupid to understand science.

Let's suppose that a cloth mask is only 5% effective and a surgical mask is only good for 20%. Both give you 25% which is INFINITELY better than 0%. Why not do EVERYTHING you can instead of the absolute least?

Oh, and invest in some quality masks that give you almost 100% protection.

I am absolutely certain that is what motivates most deniers by now. Even those people can look at the numbers and KNOW they are at extreme risk.

BTW: I think the same rationale is what keeps many people in religion. They no longer believe the silly stories but as one lady told me, "We have all been baptized in the church, we married in the church, and when we die we have our funerals in the church. We can't just give all that up."

Well, yes, my dear, dear Susan, you can just give all that up.

Our myth of exceptionalism won't even allow us to look around the world and copy what works elsewhere. Pity that.

PS: And before you accuse me of not having the education to understand vaccines and shit, you are absolutely correct. That's why I ONLY take advice from people with PhDs who have studied those very things all their adult life. Oh, and I listen to MY OWN DOCTOR! The doctor that I PAY MONEY to give me advice. You deniers ought to try it.



*Verification required




And to think - the creator of the universe wrote that.


The camel has perfected the leg sweep.





I was told many years ago that rape had nothing to do with sex and all to do with violence.


The State Farmer's Market wanted a mural on a wall near their entrance. I designed this:

But I knew I need a photograph of a tractor in the field and this was before Google. So I needed to find a farmer or somebody who I could photograph from the rear of a tractor actually doing whatever a tractor does.

So I telephoned Ford, John Deere, and Massey Ferguson tractor sales in my area and told them that if they delivered a tractor with some sort of equipment to a field and put it through its paces I would paint it on a wall at the Farmer's Market as free advertising. Massey Ferguson agreed.

I misspoke. The original design had dozens of horses and cows grazing in the fields, frolicking children, and dogs but those things outran the man's budget.  I was forced to either back out completely are cut the elements in the mural to the bare bones. Well, I needed the money. But the money I received prohibited me from spending more than an hour to paint those awful clouds. I let a member of my crew paint those and although disappointed I just let it slide.


BillR said...

^^C5^^ You never hear about the sailors lost at sea who were led away from the shore by dolphins.

Son of Reep said...

You should have just stuck to your forte and painted toilets.....

Ralph Henry said...

Dear Reep, You must have missed the part where I paid off my mortgage with just one of them. But thanks for the art advice from such a learned person as yourself. Bill me.

Anonymous said...

Puzzle time: 20
Turkey = 0
Beet = cake × cake
Place setting = 0
beet = 16

D'Ascoyne said...

Good for you, Ralph. God bless capitalism!

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