One Of My Very Own
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
Best thing I heard an economist say regarding this "shortage": "If I can't afford a BMW, I can't claim there's a BMW shortage."
Things you will do: Anything
Things you won't do: That
Miniature Makita circular saw.
This is really impressive.
It should be set at 4:20.
Everybody bitches about it until there's an ice storm.
It was stated that this is a real national landmark.
Before and after the excavation and restoration of the Great Ziggurat of Ur, built approximately 4000 years ago by King Ur-Nammu of the Neo-Sumerian Empire, in dedication to the Moon God, Nanna.
When you cook a hog all night you don't need a knife.
The feast is called a Pig Pickin' because you just pick the meat right off the bones.
I'll see your 3' hot dog and raise you a German street vendor bratwurst.
You just take a bite of wurst and then a bite of bread. Had it not been for this national treasure I would have starved to death. They were a mark (or about 25¢) and I ate a million of them. Mustard only - like God intended.
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it anymore.
*I wonder how many of you will remember the reference to that lying asshole.
THINGS THAT BREATHE JUST LIKE WE DO
I assume you just have to make damn sure that it never ever gets hungry.
They need to teach it not to litter.
Now imagine that thing 40' long...and hungry.
In a fit of misguided rage, this man abuses his dog.
What do you call a male Karen?
I once had to drop off a fecal sample for my dog and the receptionist asked, “Do you want your container back?”
PEOPLE DOING SHIT YOU DON'T SEE EVERY DAMN DAY
This took me a minute...
But the kid nailed it.
The eruption in Fagradalsfjall, Iceland, has been going for 6 months now and has become mundane for these kids living close to it.
It was stated that the photo was not altered in any way. Do you believe that?
I'm thinking his ass is sewn into his suit.
Neat, but the Exorcist girl can do that in her sleep. Backward.
Seriously, I don't know how she got the leverage.
Todd Robbins scorpion rope dart trick shots.
Impressive, but I would like to know how many misses were edited out.
The way she stops her kick...
At first, I thought this was her butt crack.
I didn't get this with a single viewing...
And then he hands it to him wrong.
I always start on the bottom so I don't have to hold it up.
Preparing for an oral sex marathon?
When it's 8:58 and the liquor store closes at 9
No, but she is afraid of quick aggressive movement near her.
You would think at least one of them would sneak in a pair of Wheelies.
I'm going to assume that he is being filmed because it is his first time. My money is on him not making it anyway.
Why is he being filmed? And could that clip have possibly been run in reverse?
And that's why we watch the game.
The driver can't scrape him off without taking off his own mirror.
Aren't we all, Darling. Aren't we all.
That office supply company from yesterday hired me to paint another sign on the backside of their building. Here is the attention-getter I came up with.
That, of course, is all paint.
Months later I was asked to be the keynote speaker at a symposium of every art teacher in the state of South Carolina. It was held in the big building on the far right of this image. Note that the man on the ladder can barely be seen in the lower left.
Part of my presentation was a slide show and when I came to a slide of the man on the ladder half the auditorium started laughing. It seems dozens of them had stopped to ask the man on the ladder where they were supposed to park.
After my talk and after taking several questions I looked at my watch and discovered I had several minutes remaining. I looked at the moderator and asked if I could play a game. She gave me permission.
I told the audience of 2000 that we were going to play a game of Simon Says. I explained the rules this way: "If I say Simon Says you MUST do as I instruct. If I do not say Simon Says you MUST NOT do anything. So, let's begin. (Pause) If you would like to play please stand now."
99% of the people stood, so I said, "All of you people are out of the game." When they sat back down I said, "If you didn't stand up before please raise your hand." A dozen or so people raised their hands. I said, "You people are now out of the game. Now, Simon Says if you did not stand up earlier stand up now." Two people stood. I said, "Well, I think we may have dual winners. Tell us your name...just shout it out." They did and I said, "The last two players are out of the game."