I went to a party with a luau theme the other night. I wore my usually denim shirt and jeans. A guy in an Hawaiian shirt walked up to me and said, "What's up, Ralph, it's suppose to be a Hawaiian theme."
I told him I came as Pearl Harbor.........bombed.
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It is of utmost importance that we repeat our mistakes as a reminder to future generations of the depths of our stupidity.
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This is why this is my favorite planet...
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"Why, yes, I have a master's degree in Philosophy. Would you like fries with that?"
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Remember, even if you win the rat race, you're still a rat.
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If every day was Christmas the human race would be dead in a year.*****
He is going to reach the green in only two shots...if you know what I mean...
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Sanity is a cozy lie...
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TRUE: "My favorite show is Two and a Half Men with Charlie Sheen. The little boy who plays along because he reminds me of my son. It relaxes me, I need to laugh. Because it destroys the soul, if you are always sad."- Josef Fritzl, who kept his daughter imprisoned as a sex slave for 24 years, in his first jailhouse interview.
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THE INTERNET ISN'T GOING TO SURF ITSELF, PEOPLE!
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Fighting like drag queens at a wig sale....
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BUMPER STICKER: If you're gonna ride my ass, at least pull my hair.
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KEEP IT SIMPLE, SYRUP!
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MEET LOCAL SINGLES! Stand near others, hand up the fucking cell phone.
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Just think of how stupid the average person is, and then realize that half of us are even stupider...
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Happiness in intelligent people is the rarest thing I know. - Ernest Hemingway
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Your breasts reminds me of a wrench. Every time I think of them my nuts tighten up.
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A house divided is a condo.
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Broke is the new black.
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Being an American can be fun.
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One of my very own...
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WOMEN WHO LOOK LIKE SLUTS, BUT PROBABLY AREN'T...
Famous artists get to do this every fucking day. This one is Matisse...my very favorite.
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