FOLIO OLIO: UNCLE RALPH

I don't want to get into gooey stuff like my feelings for my wife, my kids, my health. I'd rather stick to the other stuff.

I like information.
I only watch Science and History shows on TV. If you don't know what Hadrian's Wall is...it's okay, it really is....

Thinking too much can only cause problems.

I like being able to make things of wood. This nice table is not one of mine, but I like anything that can't be bought in stores.

I have the skills and tools to build almost anything, plus I know how to use them without getting hurt...

If your house is hit by a dolphin, DO NOT GO OUTSIDE TO SEE IF THE DOLPHIN IS OKAY!
That's how the hurricane tricks you into going outside.

I like this. I have a set of drawers like this that are made out of very old wooden Coke, Pepsi, 7Up and Nehi crates. It's awesome.

Always look on the bright side. One benefit of losing your job is that you will probably lose weight because you won't have enough money to buy much food.

I love barbeque. For you people not lucky enough to be from the South, please don't call "grilling" "barbequing"; it ain't even close and Southerners will laugh at you if you fuck it up.

My favorite food, like most men in the world, is bacon.
This is deep fried bacon.
Yeah, think about that!

There is no such thing as too much bacon.
I have never once thought about having sex with a man, but....well, to be honest, this man would be at the top of the list if I ever get around to thinking about having sex with another man...

I like to collect tree branches that when placed next to each other to form parentheses. It calms me.

I like companies that come up with funny stuff...people need all the smiles they can get.

Why does the Bible Belt have the highest divorce rate in America? Because spouses tend to change after finishing middle school.

My daughter really likes these moon shades....therefore, so do I, cause she's just about the coolest son of a bitch on the planet....

TRUE: A reporter was commenting on the evacuation of Fire Island, NY (a noted haven for gay men), and uttered these words: "The only way to get to Fire Island is to mount a ferry.".......fairy/ferry....get it?

I have posted numerous easy solutions to problems that some cities come up with that does not require people getting arrested...I like them...

TRUE: There is a town some damn place that has levied a door fee of $5 for strip clubs....they call it....a Pole Tax.

I like just plain good ideas. Here you have a Poststix for your light switch where it is bound to be found first...

I always let the microwave beep because I know it drives my wife up the wall.

I like passing down to young people easy solutions to problems. Like putting the sugar into your mug before adding the coffee, therefore negating the need for a spoon.
And this....

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

I like trees...the odder the better. I think that if a UFO did visit Earth, they would think trees are some kind of infestation...like large mold spores....

If the police arrest a mime, do they still have to tell him he has the right to remain silent?

I like people who can amuse themselves when bored.

I like people who do things like this (illegally) just to put a smile on our faces...well played, sir, well played...

Therapy is helpful, but screaming obscenities is faster and cheaper.

I like people who smoke dope. They are all very nice people....mellow. Mellow is a good thing.

If you have never been stoned, then you have no right to pass judgement, so shut the fuck up. There has NEVER been a person who has been stoned who opposes it. And what does that tell you?

Of course, I like beer drinkers, too....the nice ones.

To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a support group.

I like that America has the largest military on the planet, but wonder how much is too much...

I like very much that this badass son of a bitch is on my side....

A metal cross in the rubble of Ground Zero is a pretty fucked up way for Jesus to let us know how much he loves us.

I like art, but I love public art. Horses aren't my thing, but this one offers something very special....

Those horses are goddamn fucking awesome.
Anyone know where these are?
(NOTE: if you know where, in fact, this sculpture is, please don't leave a comment that says something like: Detroit. Instead, say something like: The horse sculpture is in Detroit. I thank you. I'm an old man...humor me)

I like this.....I like just about anything I've never seen or thought of before...

I like that I can draw. I didn't do this pencil drawing, but I could....I have drawn images of equal quality....

Murals are my thing and although I've made a lot of money from painting them, I have a very strange love/hate relationship with them...they always strive to make me look stupid and I have to fight it ever fucking minute...

I saw a T-shirt that read: Pick a side, Start a war.
I didn't have a chance to ask the guy what the fuck it meant.

I like dogs very, very much...

I love dogs even when they fuck up.
Look at that face!
Show me a fucking cat that would actually show remorse.

I'm sorry, I have to say it again...I LOVE DOGS!

Sometimes it's the smallest things that take up the most room in your heart..............................like blood clots.

I like beautiful photography...and this is fucking awesome...

No, I was wrong....that image is way, way beyond awesome. It's Art with a capital A.
(note: Want to improve your day? Go back and look at the train track image for a few minutes. If you are not affected, then get off my fucking blog. You don't belong here.)

Did you feel it? Did you hear it? The loud, earth shaking steel monster that would soon dash through this tranquil scene. The permanent inhabitants just grow....but timidly, fearful of entering the domain of the monster...and....waits for that massive, powerful machine to disturb everything....but only momentarily....then it will be gone....allowing the scene only to contemplate it's sure return. So the older growth gives him his passage, fearful to venture into it's space.
Then, on a warm Spring day, a young brash branch says, "Fuck it, there's more light out there, and I'm going out there to soak it up."
And his fellow young branches encourage him with subdued, "Go, go, go, go," squeaked in tiny little Munchkin voices.
And the little branch ventures out an inch, then two, then three, four......twelve!!!!
Then all the branches hear the horn...the warning of coming doom. And within seconds the daring little branch was gone.....stuck on the railing of the cattle car headed to Boise, to return nevermore.
And all the other branches emit a little Shadenfreude giggle, like middle school boys when a friend gets an erection in anatomy class and is asked by the teacher to stand and walk to the black board.
Or something like that.

I like weird ass signs. Every time I see one I want to meet the guy or gal who erected it...just to shake their hand.

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing and mean a mother.

I like black people's hair. They are lucky because of all the options.

The day that Microsoft creates a product that doesn't suck is the day that they venture into the vacuum cleaner business.
(us Mac users find that joke hilarious)

I like making fun of people, including black people...

And the internet seems to agree...

But black people kind of ask for it....

But I like making fun of stupid white people too....

I told my buddy that in order to get laid I'd promised my girlfriend that I'd marry her in the summer. He said, "July?" And I said, "Of course I did."

I like making fun of Germans most....fuck Germans...

( Dear German viewers...that was a joke)

In high school, I was in the French Club.

All we did was to occasionally surrender to the German Club.

I like making fun of Hitler most of all...

I find this next one "fucking printable and mount on my wall" funny.

I spent some time at my wife's grave today. She's not dead...she thinks I'm digging a pond.

I like the beach. If I could live anywhere, it would be on the beach...

This would be my ideal place on earth to live...

...until the hurricane came and I found myself using my fat ass wife as a raft back to the mainland because I had no beer...or WiFi....but don't tell her I said so because for reasons that elude me, she still thinks I'm a nice guy.

Everything is easier said than done.

Except for talking....that's about the same.

I like famous people who don't act like assholes...

Do you know what really makes me smile?
Facial muscles.

I like children. I don't know whether I became a teacher because I like children or I like children because I was a teacher...

I like babies most of all...

I like breasts. My attraction to them started very, very early in life...

I like being married. Very early in my life I knew I needed to be married. And that's the truth.

I even like being old...

TRUE: This actually happened to me when I was in a class at the university to renew my teaching certificate. The topic was the Vietnam War and he seemed to think that all the protests by young people concerned an awakening of a social conscious. I pointed out that if there hadn't been a draft, those young people would have never...NEVER taken to the streets.

I like those people who work for hours to free stranded whales...