FOLIO OLIO: HUMAN SEXUALITY: A TUTORIAL

Being an expert in such matters, I offer my services to help my readers, especially the younger ones, understand one of the least understood of human activities.

As we all know, the female orgasm is one of the most powerful forces known to humankind.

The hazards of the female orgasm go far beyond having your brain explode.

Most women discover pregnancy completely by surprise, like this fetus sniffing dolphin named "You've Been Fucked and Now You're Really Fucked"...........also known as "Kiss That Degree Goodbye" for short.

And, thanks to new scientific developments, we now know what actually causes pregnancy.
This is a very early photograph of me......wasn't I cute?

There are alternative sexual enterprises that will completely eliminate the power of my little friend above.
Some of them more attractive than others.

Eleanor knew all about anal sex and wrote to her friends about the joys of it for years. It's a long read, but basically boils down to "Shit happens, so live with it".

Oral sex may be considered by some women to be a more attractive option.

But Japan...what the fuck...I mean DAMN!

I don't always get blowjobs, but when I do she comes first.

There are many men who can give women pointers in the proper technique.....I am not one of these men.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA!!!!!!

I asked a rabbi how much he charges for a circumcision and he said it was free....but he did take tips.

Even though few men know how to give blow jobs, they all want to get blow jobs and deploy various ruses to persuade women to acquiesce to his will...

(lame, that)

Some men think about blow jobs much, much more than other men...

Not that there's anything wrong with that....

However, be forwarned, not everyone is as open minded as I. This man is known as a homophobe and this group thinks about blow jobs more than any other group of people on the planet. Think about that just a minute.

Of course all the problems of pregnancy would solve themselves if everyone just remained virgins...

We non-virgins can spot male virgins instantly just by the costumes they wear and the games they play...

( TWENTY FUCKING EIGHT YEARS OLD?!?!?! )

(damn, Rian, you might want to meet the bumper sticker guy in the camper)

I say Rian just has a short memory...

Most men are so fascinated with breasts that we find them everywhere....

The only thing I know about Christmas Trees is you compliment them the way you compliment your girlfriend's breasts. If they're real, you say that they look artificial, and if they're artificial, you say they look real.

Male boss?

This woman is hired! Period. No need for resume, no need for skills.....HIRED! PERIOD.

But then there are the teasers....and don't even think about getting all indignant if you catch a man staring...YOU ASKED FOR IT!

Then there's this...

You women really ought to know what men are thinking...

Vaginas are like holy places...where only the most deserving are allowed to venture...and then punish for delaying the visit....

ANY word that can possibly be construed as a reference to a vagina is hilarious to men...

We love explaining things using the vagina as a reference, as in "by a cunt hair", which mean really, really fucking close...no pun intended...

Now, back to the problem...
If you women don't want to get pregnant, and you don't have or don't want a man, (which usually means you are probably ugly and/or have lost one or more of your extremities), there is always stimulation from another woman...especially if you like to wear very unattractive clothing and/or leather....

First you need to find yourself what we men call a....

And with a few quick clicks of the mouse almost any woman can find several....million instructional videos for your perusal...

Or you can just take matters into your own hand.....

Or use aids...

And I haven't even mentioned fruits and vegetables......

In today's economy, wives are having more sex with their husbands because they can't afford batteries.

Men have known about self stimulation since....oh....birth...

A farm hand walked in the barn to find the farmer doing a striptease in front to his tractor.

"What the heck are you doing, Jed?" asked the farm hand.

"Well, my wife and I haven't been getting along too good in bed lately so my therapist told me I should do something sexy to a tractor."

I tried to quit masturbating one time....but it was hard.

Now, of course, even men have what are called..."pleasure aids", or more familiarly "jack-off tubes" when we are among male friends, but when alone with it we always give it girl names....all of them ending in an i.

Heterosexual men seldom look at other men's penises...

We do sit around bars and have contests about who can name the most foods that are shaped like a dick. I'm up to 658, which makes me a living legend in the state of South Carolina.

This arrangement would be practically...troublesome for normal men...your butt touching another man's butt while peeing.....pleeeeeeeeez.....

Found in the urinal above, most men would think this next device was right on target...

Who named Trojan Condoms? The Trojan horse entered through the city gates, broke open, and lots of little guys came out and messed up everyones day.

Men with small penises can be spotted very easily without other men actually looking at it. Men with small penises either do extraordinarily dangerous things or they buy extraordinarily expensive automobiles. The men below have small penises.....I'll bet money.

Men have made art of naked women since the cave paintings, which scientific research has proven was actually porn....crude porn, but what the hell...they only had a charred stick.

When we men are not making art of sex, we are making other kinds of art so we can afford to buy sex.

My daughter once asked me what it's called when two people sleep in the same bed and one is on top of the other. I spent an hour explaining intercourse to her, then when she came home from school she said, "Mrs. Smith calls it bunk beds."

Men get very mixed signals about sex....

But there is not a man on the planet who has not tried this.

I want you women to think about that a minute. The pope, the presidents (all of them), all those athletes, actors.....all of them have tried at least once to place their mouths on their OWN genitalia. Look it up...IT'S TRUE...I Snoped it.

It used to be that men thought about women so much that they wrote and sang songs about women's beauty and such. But don't be fooled, with the introduction of Rap Music men's true thoughts were released...