JUST SOME IDIOSYNCRATIC BULLSHIT I FOUND HERE AND THERE

There are things that not even I can explain.

Fool Proof Systems do not take into account the ingenuity of fools.

So, why would the Vatican sue over this?

 Well, here's why....

If I had an Italian accent, I'd never shut up.


Well, you know what the Emir always says...You start letting them show their eyes and the next thing you know...

I went to a high school where the kids were higher than their grades.

Jogging?!? I know it keeps you healthy, but dear gawd, at what cost?

My office is not dirty.  I just have everything on display.
Like a museum.

You, stupid? No, of course not. I just think you have bad luck when thinking.

What the fuck does he mean?

(and Southerners is ALWAYS capitalized where I come from!)


I just pooped....in my pants. But you know what? It's okay.
Cause I borrowed the pants.

WTF is this about?......seriously......

Did you ever just wake up one morning and realize "Holy shit! I'm a fucking loser."
Nah, me neither.

Holy fucking shit!!!!

Thanksgiving dinner a few years ago, each in turn thanked god for the food. I thanked scientists for improving farming. After that, it was down hill....


Interesting this....

I miss those days when I could just throw someone into the pool without having to worry whether that had their phone in their pocket.

And in the same vein....

Some times in crowded bars I like to ask, "How often do you have unprotected anal sex?" and then drink my beer as if I never said anything. It pretty much shuts everyone up for a couple of seconds as they search for the question asker.

Life is like poker. If you don't have a big enough stack, no one really notices when you are all in.

"Excuse me, sir. You look like a gentleman, could you cut off my arm?"

The other night my wife called me childish and told me I had to sleep on the couch. So I built a pillow and blanket fort with a sign that said 'No Girls Allowed'.

"What we have here is a failure to communicate..."

I think it's interesting that cologne rhymes with alone.

When I used to get telemarketing calls, I would give the phone to my 3 year-old daughter and tell her it was Santa.

What in the name of Stephen Hawking is this?

Why do Irish people have really tiny nipples?

I wanted to send this out as my xmas card....but I couldn't wait....

Whatever you do in life, always give 100%.......
.......unless you are donating blood.

Never, ever, do tag teams with blood relatives.

I was standing outside my favorite bar smoking when a guy walks up to me and starts talking about how aluminum is the best metal. I tried to stay calm and explained that iron was really the best metal, but he wouldn't take a hint. He started throwing out words like "rust" and I lost it. I punched him right in his aluminum loving face. I hate aluminum that much.

Okay, smarty pants, what the fuck is this about?

Why don't we all just fuck everything and become pirates"

No, there aren't any homosexuals in Iran....

"I come not to bring peace, but to bring a sword."
- Jesus Christ
That's what he said.

We all know people like this....and they vote...

When I die, I want to be thrown out of an airplane wearing a Superman costume.

If history is written by the victors, who writes French history?

I thought a class of emotionally disturbed students one time. Most of them were very large (for their age), except for this one kid who looked five years younger than the others. Well, one day I asked them to line up to leave and that little kid walked away from the pencil sharpener and ran directly at a big kid and stabbed him in the back as hard as he could. I was later told that I should have counted the pencils to make sure I got them all back....go figure.


My wife told me the microwave was broken. I asked how she knew, and she said that the placed a potato in it and pressed "Popcorn" and when she came back it was still a potato. 

This is the way this person looked two years ago....

 This is the way that person looks today...

 Not that there's anything wrong with that...

AFRAID TO DIE ALONE?
Become a bus driver.

I think this man is one of the funniest human beings on earth....

Jesus had two dads.

There is a website where you post images you and your friends make aping famous paintings...

Absence may make the heart grow fonder, but abstinence makes the arm grow stronger.

"What for dinner, Dad?"

 "Venison...on the grill."

The best thing you can do for poor people is not be one of them.
- Steve Harvey

Jeeeeeeeez....

RATHER WEIRD TOONS TO AMUSE...

One of my very own....

MOSTLY NAKED WOMEN JUST HANGING AROUND THE HOUSE SO ARE PROBABLY NOT SLUTS....EXCEPT FOR THE CAMERA.....