Today I sat at my favorite bar and watched as Phil Mickelson managed to lose me a buttload of money at the Master's. I had my computer with me and as is the habit when people drink beer, I had to use the bathroom. So I turned to the buxom young woman next to me and said, "Would you mind watching my computer while I go to the bathroom?"
She said, "Well, I guess not, since you've been watching my breasts all afternoon."
I said, "Darlin' with them hangin' out like that, they could see them from space."
She said, "You are a dirty old man, you know that?"
I said, "You, my dear, are a very astute observer."
She laughed, I laughed and no harm, no foul.
Police: Son, are you drunk?
Me: No, occifer.
From my photo above it's hard to determine just how massive my mustache is...but trust me....it's huge.
On the way out of the bar today, I had to pass a half dozen young men sitting near the door, and when I neared, one of them said, "Here he comes."
So I made eye contact and discovered that each of them had the beginnings of handlebar mustaches....little tiny things that reminded me of infant boy dicks. I was, however, not drunk enough to tell them that...I did, not surprisingly, smirk for the first time in a long, long time.
Auto-correct has got to be my worst enema.
I don't give a shit, but if I did, you'd be the first person I'd give it to.
Illusion #1....
I used to think that time really did fly when having sex, then my wife pointed out just how long it had taken me to finish.
I will never forget the day I discovered that I had always pronounced the word 'ennui' very, very wrong.
I don't trust spiders....never have, never will.
Hitler becomes a member of the mile high club....
Common sense is so rare that it should be classified as a superpower.
HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!!
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his butt.
The doctors described his condition as stable.
"I can still the shorts I wore in high school."
If I hold the door for you, you better sure as fuck say Thank You.
These are called 'penis warmers' and I want one....
78% of Jamaicans think that the dislike button means "did I like".
A balanced diet is a beer in each hand.
Look closely at the illusion...
I'm fairly certain that gefilte fish is what makes people afraid of Jews
The only thing worse than a captain who never flew as a co-pilot is a co-pilot who once was a captain.
What every dorm room looks like after a couple of days without the internet...
Speaking of....
There are very few issues that a good sword fight can't settle.
I know the exact word that woman is about to utter.
Brilliant!!!
A man walked into a furniture store and asked to see a Sexual Sofa. The salesman said, "Sir, do you mean Sectional Sofa?"
The man said, "I just want an occasional piece in the living room."
Crossword clue: High time
_ _ _ _
[ NOON ]
I don't shave my legs in the winter.
TRUE: After Germany surrendered in WWII, Moscow partied so hard the entire city actually ran out of vodka.
Our gene pool could use a little chlorine.
I don't even know what she's protesting, but count me in...
(I know that looks like chest hair, but it's just smeared ink)
If cats could talk they wouldn't.
If cats could talk they wouldn't.
Have you ever imagined a serial killer eating a taco?
Drunk girls...you gotta luv em.....
In space no one can hear you scream.
Boobs are the proof that men can focus on two things at once.
The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it.
Love is like a fart. If you have to force it, it is probably shit.
I'm starving. I haven't had lunch since yesterday.
Organized people are just too lazy to look for things.
Because I can, that's why....
I try to take life one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once.
Don't judge me because I sin differently than you.
April is "Quit Your Fucking Whining!" Month.
(I finally learned how to upload these files)
Two dyslexics run into a bank and shout, "Air in the hands, mother stickers! This is a fuck up!"
If the censors get their way...
Whoever said nothing is impossible has obviously never tried to staple water to a tree.
Well worth the read....trust me....
Immature: A word boring people use to describe fun people.
NAUGHTY BITS TOONS...
ONE OF MY VERY OWN...
NAKED WOMEN WITH CREATURES...
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