TUESDAY #1565

Can anybody explain such a thing?

I'm thinking it's a charity event or some such shit.

Speaking of soccer, Tahiti played Nigeria today and got beat 6 to 1. Tahiti only has one professional player and played accordingly. Next stop for them....Spain...the hands down best team in the world. I wonder what the world's record score is in an international soccer match. I'm thinking double digits here.
(I wasn't going to put this in my blog, but my wife told me too...she likes underdog stories)

What pricks...

...and you know what they say about Turkish prisons.

When one has not had a good dad, he must create one.

(some of us used our own fathers as examples of what not to do)

Do you have any idea how many photos you have to shoot before you end up with one like this?

I don't either, but it's a lot.

Watched another very, very strange movie: “Stingray Sam”, a space/cowboy/musical. Here's a line about the time every human became rich and there was no one to do the work...

"Physical labor would not be looked down upon as long as you were famous at what you did."

How long before Americans say enough is enough?

Let's establish an over/under for the rebellion on the percentage of national wealth the top 10% can have before the bottom 90% just fucking shoot them.

Went to Wendy’s drive thru and ordered "mustard and onions only, no cheese" on a single burger. I got mayonnaise and pickle with cheese. There was a long line of cars so I went inside to exchange it. As I waited in the line I saw a woman dip her French fries in her chocolate milk shake like normal people would dip a potato chip into onion dip.
And this if fucking freaky...I went to Google images with "dipping french fries" in hopes of finding an image of a person holding two or three side by side because that's how that woman did it, and on the first page was this picture...

IT'S SOMEONE DIPPING THEIR FUCKING FRENCH FRY INTO THEIR FUCKING CHOCOLATE MILK SHAKE!!!
Is there nothing new in the world? Here I had thought I found the only person in the world who did that.

Cowards are not the ones who blow themselves up.
Cowards are the ones who use drones to do their killing from the comfort of an air conditioned office.

What I say to telemarketers:

"I’m sorry, but my 'Dealing With Assholes Day' is scheduled for the 10^th of never. Please call back then."

Aaaaaawkwaaaard.....

Wishing your pet could talk is fun until you remember all the weird shit it’s seen you do.

This reminds me of the phycological test I took once. It was a gridded piece of paper with a different "squiggle" in each box. I, of course, connected boxes, had some sideways, etc. The tester said he had never seen anything like it before. I took that as a supreme compliment...

“Jesus Loves You” means something entirely different in a Mexican prison.

This is what lack of adequate planning looks like up close...

I don’t trust joggers. They’re always the ones that find the dead bodies. Just sayin’.

The internet is going nuts over this thing...

I understand the concept, but I don't see a power source.

Question: How do you discover that this works?

They have a new mint flavored birth control pill you take right before sex. It’s call “Predickamints.”

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

I've got a new gag only old men can pull off.
We have a lot of outdoor cafes where I live. When I walk by a table with one bearded and one clean shaven man, I compliment the man with a beard then ask him, "Can't your friend handle the weight of manhood?" When they laugh I look at the clean shaven man and say, "Be careful when shaving. Wouldn't want to get any shaving cream on your blouse."
Then I....just....walk....away.

Wife never throws anything out and hell hath no fury if she catches me doing it. I smuggle out pens out of ink like a Mexican Drug Lord.

Shit you don't see everyday...

This is me when my new wife and my ex-wife decided to drive to Florida together.

Have you ever had wanderlust so badly that you...

On road trips, some times grown men still call shotgun. When they do, I yell "Rosa Parks!", sit down and refuse to move.

Early on in my life I got a wonderful piece of advice that I would like very much to share with all you young men.

To wit: For evening sex, women want you to start making love to them first thing in the morning.
The man in the picture above understands the rules.

We all know that most men just want sex and with it they are satisfied and without that are grumpy. Women go for the quality over the quantity. 

And then there's Rule #1.....

The last thing a man wants to hear during sex is "Are you even trying?" Trust me. I know.

It’s not the size of the ship, nor the motion of the ocean…it’s whether the captain stays in port long enough for all the passengers to get off.

One of my very own...

The most dangerous place to be in an action movie is in a helicopter.

Black holes suck....

How is it that flies can find their way into your house through a pinhole in the screen, but can't find their way out through a wide open fucking door?


How do they know which dinosaur it came from?

You ever write something down and just for a instant look for the save button?


I always heard Michael Jackson bought the copyright...

LIFE: A sexually transmitted disease which always ends in death. There is currently no known cure.

Recognize this woman?

 Her name is Valentina Tereshkova. In 1963 she became the first woman in space. And for us to honor her it matters not what country's name was on the outside of the capsule. She almost died on the trip by the way.

Funny that all of Nixon's crimes - anonymous campaign cash, wiretapping, undeclared wars - are all legal now. 

Ladies, when it comes to doggy-style, I’m behind you 100%.

OOMVO...kind of...

OOMVO...

To be honest, this thing is looking like a better and better idea...

When you put the two words "The" and "IRS" together, it spells "THEIRS". 
It's a lot easier if you just stop thinking of it as your money.

I found it hard to masturbate to this...

 ...then I remembered to take off my pants.

Just wonder how the graffiti "artists" would feel if someone came into their apartment and spray painted their walls...

...or their car. Or their grandmother's house.

Sucking at something is the first step to being sorta good at something.

WWII dietary advice...

Who knew?

My wife is not allowed to laugh at other men's jokes. She has to come to me and I'll decide if it's funny.

I knew we were in trouble when we started two wars and the only sacrifice the public was asked to make was to go out and buy shit...

That man's sins were just washed away...

I call that a reality deficiency....or voodoo...either way, why in the name of Elvis would you believe it?

AND THEN THERE'S THIS...
The science show "Through the Wormhole" discussed impending doom on earth and moving a few million people to another planet. They discussed possible fuels, artificial gravity, etc, but they didn't address who should go. So I will.
I think we can all agree that there are groups of people who would be shoo-ins...scientists, engineers, professors, doctors, teachers, all with ethnic diversity, etc. Then the people at the bottom rung would be left behind...bums, drug addicts, child rapists, the insane and mentally impaired, old people, etc.
Now my question to you is, would you be considered for inclusion? Shoe salesman? I don't think so. Graffiti artists. No. Snowboarder? Why? 
I think the real battles will occur over whether to include religious people. Imagine having a gigantic space ship zooming through the heavens for a generation or two en route to a new home planet and have on board people who thought that they might just run into god sitting on a throne.....a throne....sitting....with his son sitting at his side....his right hand side. 
Maybe when we pass through their neighborhood we will miss them because it will be their day to come to earth and give all the masturbating teenagers cancer. Who the fuck knows...could be.


And also...
One of my posts from last December is getting hits out the ass. I went back and looked at it and, even if I have to say so myself, it pretty damn funny. Anyway, if you would like to take a stroll down memory lane, just click.
>>>>> CLICK HERE <<<<<