WEDNESDAY #1790

Life is basically all the stuff you have to do to get from coffee time to beer time.

 When I was a child I walked up to my mother in tears and told her that no matter how hard I tried I couldn't pee. She panicked, of course, and rushed me to the bathroom to show her. She soon discovered that the problem was that I was trying to pull my little wee-wee out of the tiny space under the cap gun belt and holster I hardly ever took off.

 If engineers could design the most efficient human body, it would likely look considerably different than our actual anatomy. That’s because evolution hasn’t left us with a perfect form but rather a hodgepodge of adaptations. And while these changes in our physical design have admittedly pushed us to the top of the food chain, they aren’t without their drawbacks.

 Case in point...our spine. It was never designed to do what we are asking it to do.

Ariel Castro's death cites possibility of 'auto-erotic asphyxiation'

This guy really, really, really like his dick.

Sometimes I get scared that robots are going to take over the world. Then I use a motion-controlled sink.

The only thing you can truly own in this life are your memories..........and venereal disease.

So very, very....elegant...

I would weep at the beauty had I the chance to see it in person.

If you don't think history is amusing, then you're wrong.
One time three different guys declared themselves pope all at once and they all excommunicated each other and it was basically the funniest shit ever.

But it really didn't say "functioning" satellite, now did it.

Once Lichtenstein sent 80 men to Italy to fight and came back with 81.

Speaking of...

 Sleep well, my friends. Sleep well.

Bombs that sow plants...

 I watched a documentary on this very thing. The problem, of course, is how to get the plants stuck into the soil. The scientists I listened to solved it with a fertilizer laden paper pointed cone that would stick like a dart, then biodegrade.

It still didn't work to replenish mangrove swamps, by the way.

Speaking of containers...

Your move Pringles.

Where did all the fun people go? I live in a college town and I never hear people laughing anymore.

Note: Why in the name of common decency would that person use black font on a dark brown background? It would have only required a click to change it to much more readable white.

I don't always wish for my ex to get a yeast infection, but when I do it's so she will know what it is like to live with an annoying cunt.
(that is not true. my ex is a wonderful woman...I mean that)

 You, I assume, have noticed that I am on a one-man crusade to suggest to women that they have an alternative to these ridiculously destructive items...

 If I worked for a company whose policy demanded that women wear high-heels, I would bring a class action sexual discrimination case, since men don't have to wear such torture devices.

Isn't paying ATM fees like buying your own money?

Okay, we get it. Breast cancer doesn't need anymore awareness.
Am I the only one that thinks picking out just one cancer to focus on is like a big Fuck You to the other victims?

Cycling down the Eiffel Tower

My buddy, Billy, would do that in a heartbeat...the one with the broken collar bone.

A headline you don't see every day...

We will never get rid of bullying until we teach kids to stand up for themselves. We are creating a society of victims.

Of course Lincoln got shot. He was 6'4" and wearing a top hat in a theater. I would have shot the motherfucker, too.

A-fucking-mazing...

My neighbor's dog had to have one of its front legs amputated. I suggested they take the amputated leg to a taxidermist, then they could throw the leg around the back yard and the dog could fetch it. They didn't like the idea near as much as I did.

Fun read...

There are people who are happy-go-lucky.
I'm more like sad-stop-unlucky.

 At first I thought it was from Chernobyl.

To protect and serve my ass...

I heard Ernest Hemingway took a urinal from his favorite bar and moved it into his Key West home, arguing that he had "pissed away" so much of his money into the urinal that he owned it.

Give it a minute...

Mosquito Fossil Holding 46-Million-Year-Old Blood Meal Discovered...

Wounded in war, now has a chair from hell...

I once asked my daughter if she had ever heard that it's legal of a father to sell his child to satan.
I never came right out and threatened her, but she got the message.

There is a train in this picture...

 I read that those people are not freeloaders. It's just that there aren't near enough trains for the demand, so the people do what they have to.

I would like to meet this woman...

A clear toaster would be a good idea.

I just bet you do, Sparky...

Don't you hate it when you go to brush your teeth in the morning and there's still vomit in it.

 I wonder how long it took her to realize?

Hell yeah!

Do women ever get afraid of sharks when they snorkel during their periods?

I actually talk to people like this on a regular basis...

I would pay money to see this in person...

That's got gambling opportunity written all over it.

I don't usually say "no offense", but when I do, I'm about to insult you.

Just try to watch this just once....

 She threw the baby!!

Clever lad...

Why do you think there's a squirt bottle in both pictures?

"Are there any questions?"

 "Will. That. Be. On. The. Test?" she asked from the back of the room.

Guess what common thing this is...

Highlight between brackets - [ A sutured wound ]

I'm talking out of school here, but I remember that the difference between hair and fur is that fur has more than one follicle coming out of each pore. That being said, the article didn't say it was a human wound, so my guess is that it's a rat or whatnot.

Every fall I'm not sure if the heater smell means it's working or it's on fire.

AND THEN THERE'S THIS...
I have predicted this for a long time. Starving people will do what starving people have always done.
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