FRIDAY #1799

THERE WILL BE A FULL POST EVERY DAY OF THE WEEK UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE....ENJOY.

For Halloween I was a menstral cycle, then scared the shit out of everyone when I didn't show up.

All of the employees at my bar and pizza joint were asked to wear costumes. One guy came to work dressed as a woman. Later, after the manager got off work and was sitting next to me at the bar, I commented that the guy had done a great job looking like a woman. The manager said, "He's gay. So...well...", and we both shrugged.

Remember in the movie Independence Day they used the phrase "plausible deniablity" and we thought it quaint?
Well, it seems like our president is unaware of ANYTHING his government is doing.

Have you ever taken a shit and looked down and said, "Wow! A dick that big would fit in my ass!"

I am 100% sure that if I met him in person, I would loathe Papa John even more than I do now.

Oh, really?

During your entire life you never learned how to do anything that someone would pay you to do? I wouldn't blame others for that.

I'll take "Born Without Genitals - Identify as Male" for a thousand, Alex......

When you are dead, you don't know that you're dead; it's only difficult for others....the same for when you're stupid.

If pigeons sit on electric wires, could they be afraid of anything?

This makes a whole lot of sense....

Yeah....count me out....

Look, I don't really believe that people today get abducted by space ships from beyond, but DAMN there is evidence that needs exploring...

Stealing is a crime and drugs are a crime, BUT if you steal drugs do the two crimes cancel each other out so that it's doing something good?

Yes, it's a room full of assholes and somebody has to buff the floor like it's normal...

Speaking of...

It's weird how British people say "Lift" instead of "Elevator", and how my dad used to say "You're a huge disappointment" instead of "I love you."

Yesterday I took a drive just to get my thoughts together. Within a mile I knew it was a huge mistake.

Have you ever wondered why no other country has a string of restaurants across the world?

No, I mean that. Why are there a million Chinese restaurants, but there are not "MacNoodles"? 

This is a pretty ambiguous list for admission....

 Those are the reasons for being admitted to...

So we are a nation of fatties...Meth makes you lose weight...

 I call that a win-win.

I have no idea what this means...

 I assume that's Monte Hall's "Let's Make A Deal", other than that I come up empty.

Mitt Romney's new hidden 'bookshelf-door' room....

 Well, it's not "hidden" anymore is it Mr.-Publish-The-Plans-On-The-Internet?

Sadly, I don't remember where on earth this is legal.

From a procrastination standpoint, today has been wildly successful.

How clever...

Me: We've been through a lot together.
Wife: And most of it was your fault.

I have to ask again...is there anybody who can't get published today....

....besides me?

NASCAR may be the only "sport" in the world where the closer you are to the action, the cheaper the seats...

 ...and most of that is due to the jet engine decibels.

Wow!

An abandoned classroom...

Chernobyl?

Look ladies, you make less money than men, you were kept from voting for as long as possible, you are more likely to be killed by a boyfriend or husband, and after all that and more, you have been convinced that men like this footwear and you are compelled to follow their dictates.

Roof theft is how to know you live in a very bad neighborhood...

Sounds fair to me...

Well, do you have any questions?
No?
Well, I do.
What did the carnivores eat when they got off the boat? And don't tell me god did a miracle. Like the same god that gave us the exact dimensions of the boat and what wood to use didn't see fit to address what happened AFTER they landed. Oh, and all the plants would be killed by the salt water, so no grass for the herbivores. So where did the leaf come from that the dove brought back?
It's almost like some pre-Bronze Age primative wrote the story, a guy too stupid to know it wouldn't add up.