FRIDAY #1854

My whole family got together at my place again this year for the holidays; except for my brother Jim Bo who nobody's seen in years, and my nephew managed to hook Jim Bo up on Skype and we all got to say a few words; then my nephew got the idea of putting his laptop on the dining room table so Jim Bo could watch us eat, but all Jim Bo did was whine about how lousy prison food was until Momma told him to change the subject, then he blurted out that his new cellblock name was Alice, which upset my sister Alice and she got all weepy and my other sister got up to calm her down and looked over and told me it should have been me in McCalister doing 6 to 10  and being raped by Mexicans instead of Jim Bo cause it was my idea, and I said, "Well, I wadn't the one to leave DNA at the scene now was I?" and Momma asked what DNA was and my nephew told her it was that combination of sperm and shit that oozes out your asshole after you've been butt fucked by a Mexican and Momma started flicking KFC baked beans at him with a spoon for "fucking up the ambience" and that's when my wife walked out the back door of the trailer with Momma's last can of wood alcohol and we ain't seen her since.
All in all it was a pretty normal get-together, but next year I'm going to suggest we go to a cafeteria, cause my double-wide is a fucking mess.

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My wife's nephew, Chuck, flew to Hawaii to visit his dad, but really missed his beautiful girlfriend, Maddy, who had to stay home due to limited resourses....

 Unbeknownst to Chuck, his dad had sent Maddy a ticket and this is how she surprised him.
One day those two people are going to have some beautiful babies.

UPS is waaaaay behind schedule and they just figured out why...

T. Roosevelt offered a $1000 prize to anyone who could bring him a snake 30 feet or longer dead or alive. The prize has yet to be claimed. But then there are the fossils of Titanoboa from South America that was 85 feet and too wide to fit through a normal door.

We have all seen, or should have seen, those goats that walk across a near vertical dam...

 Their footwork is extraordinary, but I've always wondered why they did such a thing. I have deduced that there must be a tasty fern or moss or some such shit growing there.

Precarity is the new normal.

Had we been born elsewhere...

The exact same type of great minds think alike.

Kind of funny when the bible says in plain English that homosexuality is wrong.

You can’t hate any group of people anymore….except rednecks…it’s still okay to hate rednecks.....and gypsies.

Just chill, Honey Bunny...

Cross your fingers? What if overlapping your phalanges could cause physics to stop working?

A woman crying is one of the saddest things in the world...

 A man friend crying means you need to cancel your appointments for a week or two.

If you're not tired, you're doing it right.

I see somebody headed for an “alternative lifestyle”...

If it costs an arm and a leg, I'm pretty sure you’d see the potential for buyer’s remorse coming a mile away.

Contrails of dogfights over Britain...

Back when the war was a spectator sport.
And after the war, these noble aircraft were literally stacked up waiting the salvage ax...

Did you ever notice that people all over the world laugh in English?

Look at this woman's feet. Does it seem "normal" to you to walk around like this for half your life?

Dear Scientists,
You gave us Viagra, Levitra and Cialis. How about you stop playing with your dicks long enough to do something about cancer.
Sincerely,
The World

This should be encouraged...

Sometimes when I'm really bored, I like to read the comments on Netflix.

"Watch this if you invited a girl over to watch a movie and have nothing but sex on your mind."

Ebeneezer Scrooge was a job creator. What did Tiny Tim ever make other than me cry?

Winter....her face tells the tale...

I got nothing interesting to say cause I'm not on drugs.

When you don't read the instructions...

I bet every time Brad Pitt has to open gifts, the "What's in the box?!" gag never gets old.

Everything happens for a reason…except sausage.

There is no rhyme nor reason to sausage.

 HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHHHAAAHAHAH!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yes, Gentle Reader, I find that fucking class A hilarious cause I'm a filthy pig.

Might need to read carefully...

In 1959, geologist Paul Walker put this note into a bottle and left it buried inside a pile of rocks in a remote part of the Arctic. The note requested that whoever found it measure the distance between the cairn that contained the bottle and a nearby glacier and send the measurement to him. The goal: To document whether the glacier was advancing or retreating.

A group of scientists discovered the message this summer and followed its instructions. What they found is probably unsurprising to anybody who has been paying attention to the state of Arctic ice over the last couple decades. In 1959, the cairn and the glacier were 168.3 feet apart. Today, there is 333 feet between them.            

So, it seems like this internet thing is here to stay, huh?

Ouch....

Yeah, he just walks.....and walks......and walks....

Good design is where science and art break even.

It’s so hard to read when you’re drunk.

I was thinking the other day about those silly touchdown dances football players do when they do their job. I wondered what it would be like if chess players did it...or rabbis after a successful circumcision.

Half the people eat too much and half have too little to eat. You would think an easy solution to those problems could be found.

Vegans live 15 years longer because they aren't invited to anything fun or dangerous. Instead they stay at home crying and drinking fruit juice, being careful not to cry into the drink because tears are a product of animal suffering.

In my next bar fight, I want this man on my side.

As I understand it, this is Air India....

There are at least two companies running ads addressed to people with structured settlements. I don't know anyone on a structured settlement and was wondering how many there are to warrant so many ads.

It may be the antidepressants talking, but I'm feeling somewhat optimistic about 2014.

Found a new cartoonist...

OOMVO...

What takes up the most room in your brain?

Time zone changing clock...

It gives you the time around the world.

What are the odds that of all the gods, the god you choose is THE god? About one in ten thousand. And it’s those odds you base your worldview upon? I want you in my fucking poker game.

You know what I say.....

 I say, Fuck you, you little spoiled prick; you got what you deserve.

At first I feared this was shopped, but it was on just about ever site I visit, so....here it is....

Why wearing iPods are dangerous...

I've found that lately I say "Fuck this shit" much more often than I used to.

POW blinking in morse code to spell T-O-R-T-U-R-E during a forced interview.

My favorite shot down pilot tale if of Gary Powers, a U2 pilot shot down over the Soviet Union. When they brought him to the middle of a bridge to make the spy exchange they had to make sure he wasn't a double so they asked him a personal question: "What was the name of your high school football coach." He almost began crying when he gushed, "I don't know! We just called him Coach!"

If you haven't been this drunk....then why not?

It's times like that that you find out who you real friends are.

I used to do this in Germany. I had one mounted on a Zippo lighter that I used for years...

 ...then I lost it.

Katie, you still with me? We’ve all missed you and wish you the very best.