MONDAY #1850

You asked the biggest Louisiana redneck ever seen on TV his views on homosexuality and then are shocked...SHOCKED...at what comes out of his mouth.
Really?
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 Very interesting legal issue...

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 To repeat myself: It is NOT illegal for me to walk next door and fuck my neighbor while her husband is at work.
It IS illegal for me to leave her a few bucks to hire somebody to clean the house since she spent all day pleasuring me.
It is NOT illegal to buy a woman a $50 meal in hopes I will get laid.
It IS illegal for me to just give her the cash.
Go figure.
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 Oh, you think A&E is violating Phil Robertson's right to free speech? You must've been outraged over what happened to the Dixie Chicks.
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This Dallas fan lost a bet...

I think the Packer/Cowboys game was the most exciting game of the year. I...for the first time in my life...bet against my Packers and bet a sizable amount on Dallas. I deserved the embarrassment for ever doubting.
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Let this sink in...I mean it...

"Chinese students go to school 50 more days a year than American students. We go to school 190 days a year; they go 240. After 12 years, that’s 2 ½ more years they get instruction."

And low and behold, they are 2 1/2 years ahead of our students.

Duh.

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This is how they fixed my friends heel when he came home drunk and decided to JUMP over their fence....

 Needless to say, his wife is furious.

You can't make this shit up...

I watched the documentary "Blackfish" and suggest that each of you do also. I learned a lot.
One of the things I learned is that the trainers jack off huge orcas to use in a sperm bank...

 This guy just uses an index finger to turn the big boy on...

 These two guys use whole hands...

But all joking aside, you need to watch Blackfish. I have been anti-Sea World for a long time, but this should open anyone's eyes.

LET'S START OFF WITH HUMAN FUCK-UPS

Not one, but two trips to the emergency room in 5...4...3...

 It's called a concussion and slamming your head down just like that is the most common form of concussion among NFL players.

Why they have tie-downs at airports...

Guy forgot to replace his automatic ice maker's tray...

...and it just kept running and running and running.

SOME FAMOUS PEOPLE

I don't get this cartoon.

But I've been thinking. Global warming could've saved the Titanic if we'd gotten our shit together and started burning fossil fuels 100 years earlier.

I have noticed that almost every computer seen in movies is just like mine... 

Children's books these days... 

Refugee tent made out of what I can only guess is part of a billboard...

People do what people gotta do.

No comment...

Behind a nagging woman there’s a man not doing what he’s supposed to.

Just stare at the mark...

Watched an excellent documentary on the Mexico City and Chile earthquakes…most damage to building 10 to 20 stories no matter their age. It has to do with their shake period (the time it takes to sway form one side to the other). 10 to 20 story buildings seem to match the tremors in resonance....and that is very, very bad.

OOMVO... 

Kind of looks like that Duck Dynasty guy, don't it?

WEAPONS

 Underground nuke. Ground collapses because underground rock is liquified...

I forgot to write down the kind of gas that does this, but it's still cool...

Covering all your bases...

I find it interesting that people are arguing over whether a made up character is black or white....like Santa and Jesus.

How fucking delightful...

It's like a man cave that you live in forever.

Preventing childhood obesity is as easy as taking candy from a baby.

What the fuck happened at the end of 2005?

WHAT PEOPLE SMARTER THAN I HAVE TO SAY

I've often been asked, "How do you drink so much beer?" I always say, "Consecutively."

Amazing...

True headline...

I never knew this was even possible...

 Those are ticks, by the way.

OOMVO...

Back when all things were made to look good...or at least designed by a human being instead of a machine... 

Can we assume the signs have been altered?

I want somebody to take a stab at explaining this to me...

 

I got 99 uses for a dead horse but "beating it" ain't one of them.

Not today, thanks....

Eagerly awaiting JC Rowlings new adult novel, "50 Shades of Gryffindor, when Moaning Myrtle takes on a whole new meaning.

My dog at a pile of shit, then puked it up, then ate the puke.

If you ever need to discipline your kids privately for making fun of people in Walmart, the toothbrush aisle is always empty.

 The reason men will never understand women is that women do so many things that are totally irrational...

Women act like they don't have a choice in the matter.
I just don't get it.

 How to prevent suicide...

And then there's this from a new study...

Laughter is no joke—dangers include syncope, cardiac and oesophageal rupture, and protrusion of abdominal hernias (from side splitting laughter or laughing fit to burst), asthma attacks, interlobular emphysema, cataplexy, headaches, jaw dislocation, and stress incontinence (from laughing like a drain). Infectious laughter can disseminate real infection, which is potentially preventable by laughing up your sleeve. As a side effect of our search for side effects, we also list pathological causes of laughter, among them epilepsy (gelastic seizures), cerebral tumors, Angelman’s syndrome, strokes, multiple sclerosis, and amyotrophic lateral sclerosis or motor neuron disease.