WEDNESDAY #1831

Satan wakes from his slumber, sees that Time Warner Cable is still in business, and goes back to sleep with a smile on his face.

I was once buying beer at a grocery store and there was a guy on the phone asking what kind of beer his friend wanted. Then I heard him say these words....

"Busch!? Nobody drinks Busch unless they are on parole." 

Remember the caning of the legs in this movie? I still laugh my ass off...

Right now, somewhere in the universe, there is an alien taking a shit.
How do I know this? I'm a poker player and I play the odds. I look at the number of solar systems and come up with as close to 100% certainty as you can get.
That's the same way I forecast the passing of Christianity. 100% of prior gods have all died the death of rationality and you gotta bet on those odds.

Looks a tad overkill to me...

It's not 1989. The excuse "I'm not good with computers" is no longer acceptable.

Old people are forgiven for forgetting things from time to time...

FOR EVERY PHD THERE IS AN EQUAL AND OPPOSITE PHD.

OOMVO...

Have you ever been so bored that you...

Every day of my life I'm forced to add another name to the list of people who piss me off. How to I keep my sanity? I have a mantra: "They're not worth the jail time, they're not worth the jail time, they're not worth the jail time..."

 Did you notice what he is eating?

The Roach Prank...

This man makes a living balancing things in public...

The article stated that there may still be DNA in there.

Don't do that again...

Yeah, that's a younger me doing what I do best...playing with children...

I have a reoccurring dream where I decapitate the wrong person.

You got to love a language whereby this makes sense...

I groom my nipple hair.

 Nobody is quite sure why or how this happened.

 It died because you touch yourself at night.

I saw dozens of photos a last meals of people who were found innocent afterwards...

On many Chinese factory walls is a sign that reads "Do not kill yourself on factory floor."

My wife can actually hear when I roll my eyes over the phone.

Y.A. Tittle, Johnny Unitas, Bart Starr....DAMN!

My old neighbor is #15 in the back row.

If talk is cheap, then how much can I pay you to just shut the fuck up?

Oh, the irony...

These officers did this so they wouldn't have to shoot the dog...

 Thank you.

This is supposed to be a bridge between a country that drives in the right lane and one that drives on the left. I don't believe it exists.

My brother-in-law owns a donut shop that serves these...

A few true scientific facts...

 Then there was this one...

 Wouldn't gravity stop you half way?

There are now dozens of such for-profit mug shot websites, and they work like this: Website operators gather mug shots — which are public records — from law enforcement agencies at little to no cost. The operators then post the photos online and refuse to take them down unless a fee is paid that ranges from $50 to $1,800. They do not update records just because charges are dropped or cleared. Instead, they protect themselves from liability by adding caveats such as “Innocent until proven guilty.”

Yeah, this is kind of what my sex life is like…

Well, this evening is ruined...

The mid-earth people rebelling?

Western women love to criticize these women...

But I say that if movie stars wore them and they were featured in fashion magazines, then American women would start wearing them. 

This lady should buy a lottery ticket immediately...

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"...the federal government’s main terrorist watch list has grown to at least 700,000 people, with little scrutiny over how the determinations are made or the impact on those marked with the terrorist label...

What’s more, the government refuses to confirm or deny whether someone is on the list, officially called the Terrorist Screening Database, or divulge the

criteria used to make the decisions — other than to say the database includes “individuals known or suspected to be or have been engaged in conduct constituting, in preparation for, in aid of, or related to terrorism and terrorist activities.”

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"Tucker and Dale Versus Evil", a very funny movie...

 One of the kids ended up in the wood chipper.

This guy taught his cat to shit in the toilet by putting the cat box under the seat for a while...

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Tesla detested pearls. Couldn't stand the sight of them. In fact, he hated pearls so much that he refused to speak to women who wore them. What explains his pearly aversion? No one knows.

Tesla had a thing about the number three. A genius, for sure, but Tesla had more than his share of quirks. He was absolutely fixated on the number three, washing his hands three times in a row, and even walking around a building three times before entering it.

He was unusually fond of pigeons. Lots of folks feed pigeons in the park. Tesla didn't stop there. He used to find ailing pigeons and bring them back to his hotel room. One pigeon, in particular, stole his heart. As he wrote about her, "I loved that pigeon as a man loves a woman, and she loved me. As long as I had her, there was a purpose to my life."

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