MONDAY #1934

Gambling on college basketball for the first time. Usual upsets make people kick their dogs...

Mercer? HARVARD?!?

I've got Kansas beating Michigan in the final.

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If Russia prepares for war like it prepares for the Olympics, none of us have anything to worry about.
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Too much news coverage of missing plane? Well, I just watched a whole news show dedicated to that very question. Think about that a minute.
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My deepest sympathies go out to whoever has to eulogize Fred Phelps.
I did see a group of demonstrators across the street from his church.... 

I thought that was a class act.
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This is my beautiful wife after having her head shaved for charity...

On a side note, I tried to move this to my desktop and this popped up...

Go fucking figure.

Seriously, they brought in a bunch of kids with cancer and it was (at least to my wife) very emotional.

TED Talk.. “can you be both successful and kind?” 

I think it depends on how you define success. I define success as being respected by the people you respect. Maybe that’s simplistic, but it works for me.

An award winning photo I might or might not have shared with you...

The joint value for the top quark is 173.34 (+/- 0.76) gigaelectronvolts divided by the speed of light squared.

I had it pegged at 183.34! Fuck me, right?

Do you people even watch Dora?

“The Dakota War of 1862 was an armed conflict between the United States and several bands of the eastern Sioux. By late December 1862, soldiers had taken captive more than a thousand Dakota, who were interned in jails in Minnesota.”

God bless America.

A gentleman is a man who can play the accordion but doesn’t.

This hits a little too close to home...

Wife’s a multi-tasker, thus she forgets some things. It drives her manager at her store nuts, so they sat down and had a long talk about it. Then days later when my wife forgot something else, her manager said, “We have already talked about this.”

And my wife said, “And what did we decide?”

(Let me save the police some trouble...if you ever find my body in a ditch, my wife did it)

 The republicans have done everything possible to piss off every person in America except white males. 

I thought about becoming a motivational speaker, but then I was like, I don't know. I think about it and then I just really lack the motivation, and then, well, that's probably a really bad sign.

Seed companies and farmers didn't follow scientists' recommendations about growing a type of corn that had been genetically engineered to produce its own pesticide, and now the beetle they were battling has developed an immunity to the corn and is gorging on it with abandon. This type of corn (Bt corn) accounts for three-quarters of all corn grown in the US.

Can’t remember if I told you a joke I made up that I have been getting a lot of mileage from.

After my wife gets her head shaved I’m going to have her go down on me and pretend I’m in prison.

My brother had a dog with a large stack of toys. My brother could say, "Go get your frog," and the dog would nose around in the pile until he came up with any toy my brother named. But that's not what blew me away. Once he bought a new toy (a frog if I recall correctly) and secretly placed it in the pile, then told the dog to go get it. Of course the dog had never heard the word frog before. But the dog nosed around until the toys were all over the living room, then brought my brother the only toy that he didn't know the name of...the frog. Think about that a minute.

I bet most normal people will find the next to images hard to jack off to...

But my wife is bald and I do what I have to do.

American Idol is okay…finding talent and all. But why can’t we do that for up and coming young scientists? This star worship kind of reminds me of the adoration the romans gave the gladiators, whose sole purpose was to distract the populace from a failing government.

Speaking of...

You may find this surprising, but that is the perfect question to ask. You have a choice...a myth created by goat sacrificing followers of a great man or the collective wisdom of science.
And remember, the bible presents a whole bunch of "knowledge" (from the age of the universe, to the origin of man, to the flood, to slaves building the pyramid, etc) that has been proven just not true. Their island of "truth" is shrinking by day.

Fur pillows are hard to actually sleep on.

We should all have watching this on our bucket list...

I have cooked dozens of hogs in an all-night pit that looked just like this...

 My father used two grills; one below like this one, and another to go on top of the hog to facilitate the flipping of it over at the crucial moment.

Let's play a game, shall we? How many things going wrong can you spot in this short clip...might need to watch it twice...

Did you notice that the trailer barely missed the red bike, then...

I just hope there is a bar nearby....within walking distance.

Also, did you notice that he just blew right through that stop sign?....karma.

Am I the only one who would like to actually hear the 'recounting'......in detail...

Got this spam comment to this blog. I found it rather funny...

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Some teachers are better than others. Do the math...

...but use your common sense.

"Despite a commonly held belief that LGBT Americans tend to live it up in classy urban neighborhoods," writes Nathan McDermott, "they struggle with disproportionately high levels of poverty compared to straight people."

A perfect metaphor for my life…

Found this passage in an article...

“…it's always useful to remember that only ~69.3 percent of the people who oppose gay marriage are creepy right-wing nuts waking sweatily to dreams of repressed cock-hunger. Some of them are just frightened of change, and can be won over.”

Soldier getting tased...

 Believe it or not, that clip reminds me of a joke....no, no, I mean a true story.

I once went bear hunting and hired a hunting guide. After a while we were on the top of a big hill and I looked down and there was a bear, so I took aim. But the guide said, "Not yet. Let me get him closer." Then he waved his arm in a "come up here" gesture and the bear walked up the hill a bit. So I took aim again, but the guide said the same thing and gestured to the bear again. After a while of doing this the bear was just 10 feet from me and I was given permission to shoot. So I raised my gun, pulled the trigger, but it was a misfire. At that moment the bear rushed me, and got me in a bear hug that was squeezing the life out of me. But then I felt my hand right on his dick, so a squeezed it as hard as I could and twisted it all around....and the bear let me go. Well, I took off running and when I got to the bottom of the hill I looked back and the bear was making the come back arm gesture to me.

My old friend Dom Fusci told me that joke and I will assure you that it works much better in person so the joke teller can actually make the arm gestures.

OOMVO...

 The new Cosmos is a very, very powerful learning resource for young people...

 But even I noticed that he looked just a tad stoned...

Conversation I overheard:

"How was Porto Rico?" 

"Just great! There was cell reception everywhere and the WiFi was to die for."

This man has had enough...

Have you ever awakened so hungover that you poured Red Bull into a bowl of cold onion rings?

I’ve always felt that airline passengers should get parachutes.

Hotels and motels need to put plugs closer to the beds.

This is my new password for everything because it looks cool backwards...

I’m bummed out that the high five has completely replaced the regular five.

The final formula for the exact number of guns you need to have, where n is the number of guns you currently have.

An email I got from a friend concerning taking a shit in a department store bathroom...

The seat was too low and the water in bowl too high causing an important part of my anatomy to slosh around while taking a crap. I decided the best description for this rather odd dilemma was "droop therapy"

What the fuck can I say about this that I haven't already said a thousand times...

Beauty is in the eye of the credit card holder.

5000 year old tomb in Bulgaria…and as I understand it, the oldest ever discovered with gold in it...

 Did you notice he even has a gold dick thingy?

I have believed this for..oh...ever...

I bet there are young viewers who don't know why this is a very unusual sentence...

 It uses ever letter in the alphabet.

I finally crossed peeing on pedestrians from the roof of the parking garage off my bucket list.

The next time you feel overwhelmed,  just remember you spend a third of your life lying down with your eyes closed and nobody knows why.

Marketing at its best...

A repost for my new viewers of a guy who seems very happy to see someone...

I can't get mad at my wife for buying expensive clothes because it's "our money". Then she gets mad at me for dressing comfortably because those are "her panties".

The Japanese simply don't have the same sense of humor as normal people...

 4th or 3rd century B.C.: Limestone votive relief of eyes and a mouth

 So, how did they get the mouth so very right and the eyes so very wrong?

Nostalgia: It's not what it used to be.

When the wine ran out in Cana…

 Have you believers ever thought about how fucking funny that is?

WTF of the day...

Try not going to a Halloween party and  then tell everyone you went as Waldo.

Guy thought he had found Gov. Christie in an old porn movie...

 ...it was not him.