THURSDAY #1930

Dr. Andrei Linde was one of the principal architects of the theory of cosmic inflation way back in the early 1980s. Decades passed, and still there was no experimental confirmation that the Stanford University physicist's theory was correct. All that changed last week, when Linde got word from a colleague that his theory had at last been confirmed.

It has to do with finding gravity waves in the background radiation...

...but you might want to look it up yourself.

Sign I saw in Burger King's:
DUE TO RECENT ADVANCES IN DNA ANALYSIS, WE WILL NO LONGER BE JACKING OFF IN ICED TEA URN.

I don't exercise. The way I got it figured, if god had meant for me to bend over, he would have put the beer on the floor.

Urologist and proctologists are the number one and number two doctors in the world.

 You won't believe this, but I swear it's true...

 That photo represents a famous saying. Now I can't remember what it is. Anybody? It's driving me nuts. It was one of those "Oh, I don't have to write that down, I'll remember it" things.

There aren't a lot of opportunities for a modern guy to point and cry "HERESY!" The Puritans though, man, they lived in the golden age of shouting "HERESY."

This car is being held aloft by water pressure...

I'd like to shake the hand of the guy who invented the word "Huh".

The problem with St. Patrick's Day is not that everybody is drunk, but the inexperienced people are drunk and they don't know how to act...

It's like 4/20 for alcoholics.

Missing the whole point: When you get an email that says "You have successfully unsubscribed from these emails".

Funny because my wife does shit like this all the time...

I think it's time we put the phrase "Selling like hot cakes" to rest.

No one has ever said to me, "Dude, you're better than that." Which is weird because I've done plenty of reprehensible things, and that only leaves one conclusion.



And to think that there are now whole communities that forbid you from hanging out your wash...

This leech can survive for years in liquid nitrogen and thus is pre-adapted for interplanetary travel.  "Only two other known species can survive being immersed in liquid nitrogen--water bears and the larvae of one type of drosophilid fly--but previously the maximum recorded length of submersion was 1 hour."  

So why aren't we doing some gene-splicing with this motherfucker? If for nothing else then for workers in the liquid nitrogen factory.

Cleavage is something you can look down on and approve of at the same time.

All aboard the Nope Train to Fuckthatville...

I don't want to brag, but it's been years since I've stepped in dog shit.

I'm not saying that I'd make a great secret agent, but I do have an uncanny ability to be ignored.

Yes...yes it is a male...

 But what's the guy on the beach doing? I can only assume shitting himself.

The Gömböc is a self-righting object, which means that no matter which way you put it down, it stands itself back up. It's like a Weeble, except it doesn't cheat by having a weight at the bottom, and it's the only shape that can do this. The existence of a shape with these properties was conjectured in 1995, but it took ten years for someone to figure out how to actually make one that worked. And then everyone was embarrassed when it turned out that turtles had evolved this same basic shape in their shells a long time ago, to make it easier for them to roll themselves back over if they get flipped.

You know you are thinking too much when you realize that there's no real reason the alphabet needs to be in that particular order.

Overheard in church: Sorry, all I have are 20's and if god wants money why doesn't he just write another bible?

 More or less true...I mean if he has the power and doesn't use it.

Let me repost this for my newer viewers...

Angry Wife: I will shit on everything you love.
Me: You'll be shitting on yourself.
Wife: That's the sweetest thing anyone has ever said to me.
(yeah, I'm THAT good)

Oh, Target, you didn't think this through very well...

If you die over the age of 90, they shouldn't even call it dying. That's called winning the game.

I would estimate that 80% of women get pregnant because they don't want to smear their lipstick.

 My wife takes her own cloth bags with her to the grocery.

Local Chinese restaurant has a really smart 8 year old kid who works the register in the family business. Last night I got a long, detailed explanation of the difference between "wonton" and "wanton". By the way, it is NOT wanton soup.

There has never been a cool person named Eugene.

 BTW, I don't dislike this person personally, but I hate more or less everything she stands for.

...and please don't tell me she's a "commoner"...the whole notion repulses me....I saw Titanic.

 Never, ever again, Ladies and Gentlemen...I have taken my last plane ride...

Each bear cub in a litter can have a different father.

Well, I make the milk that makes you make milk.

The other day my wife said, "I don't mind if you pee in the shower, but only if you're TAKING a shower."

A married couple my wife and I know decided to throw out a whole bag of DVD's and gave them to us. The very first one I pulled out was Big Lebowski...

My favorite line: "I'll suck a dick for a thousand dollars."

Old men only seem wise. They don't grow wise; they grow careful.

Stuff I didn't know...

You go girl....and while you're up, bring me back a sandwich.

People are losing the spirit of the Ides of March. It's not about just stabbing. It's about coming together to stab in groups.

Said to be the top of a tornado....think it's true?

Fucking with people - Lesson 83:
When a conversation gets the slightest bit weird, I say, "This entire conversation is the exact reason why I quit taking drugs."

Fucking with people - Lesson 84:
I preface random statements with "I'm not being a racist, but...".
For instance: "I'm not being racist, but this hot dog is delicious."
Someone will always say, "How is that racist?"
And I say, "I just told you I'm not being racist...you ought to start paying fucking attention."

Talking to some people is like having to slap an old TV a few times to get the picture.

I saw this used once...

 Only they used a hundred dollar bill in a poker machine. They would play it a few minutes with quarters, then slip in the hundred and claim to have hit the big time. My buddy paid out twice ($200) before they left; then my buddy called the video poker people. In my town the video poker people do things like break knee caps.

According to the bible, how many times did Jesus laugh?

After Indian guru Ashutosh Maharaj of the Divya Jyoti Jagrati Sansthan (Divine Light Awakening Mission) died in January of a suspected heart attack, his followers let his body sit a week before finally putting him in a freezer.

"He is not dead," said Swami Vishalanand. "Medical science does not understand things like yogic science. We will wait and watch. We are confident that he will come back."

What is it about some people that they seem to HAVE to have a supernatural leader?...even though all the leaders (gods) end up debunked?

 Is there anything some people won't believe?

Next you'll tell me that like the guru followers, some people believe that their magic leader DID come back to life.

Yeah, he ran off all the snakes....

I'm convinced that people will believe ANYTHING if it is presented in a charismatic manner.
At least next two guys ADMITTED that they are just making it up...

I've got a whole Anti-Sermon this Sunday dealing with this, so let's move on.

Just because you bought it at a health foods store doesn't make it healthy. Study after study proves it and people....just....ignore....the...science.

 I was so disappointed. I thought an artist had built this only to discover is photoshopped.

I always take calculated risks, which only shows how bad I am at math.

This is me anytime I hear the word "bet" in a bar...

I once sent my daughter an email that read: No dating until u finish your doctorate.

Remember this?

From my nephew who knows about such things...

"It is true. These have been around for years and is one part of a two part skimming system. The other part reads the magnetic data on the back of the card. The part you posted captures the PIN. The bad guy usually has a small transmitter installed as well to reduce the risk of getting caught when he retrieves the data."

Interesting ponderable...

 My ex-wife's vagina comes to mind.

I send so many drunk emails the NSA probably thinks I'm speaking in some sort of terrorist code.

In September 2013 Tan Nguyen was pulled over by Nevada Deputy Sgt. Lee Dove for driving 78 MPH in a 75 MPH zone. Deputy Dove asked Nguyen for permission to search the car and Nguyen consented to the search. (Big mistake. He should have refused without a warrant.) Deputy Dove found $50,000 in Nguyen's briefcase and confiscated it. Deputy Dove did not charge Nguyen with any crime. Nguyen asked Deputy Dove not to take his money, which he said was casino winnings. According to Nguyen's lawsuit, Deputy Dove "threatened to seize and tow his car unless he 'got in his car and drove off and forgot this ever happened.'" This photo of Sgt. Dove with the money he took was posted to the Humboldt County Sheriff’s Department's Facebook page. This story has a happy ending. Nguyen sued the Humboldt County Sheriff's Office and got his $50,000 back, plus $10,000 to pay his lawyer. The Humboldt County District Attorney issued a laughably stupid statement that tried to deflect the blame from the sheriff's department over to the liberal media elite, which had "unfairly criticized the Humboldt County Sheriff's Office as the Sheriff's Office was acting in accordance with the law as they understood it and was not responsible for any procedural defects following the seizure of assets."

I would call that an unreasonable seizure, wouldn't you?