TUESDAY #1928

This is old news by now...

But image if you were the first to look out the window and see this. How, exactly, would you, personally, tell the rest of the plane what just happened? Would you be calm to avoid panic or would you freak the fuck out?

Speaking of airplanes...
During WWII, submarines used to sneak into ports by hiding in the wake of other ships. Well, there is a fascinating theory of what happened to that Malaysian flight, and that it, with all it's instruments cut off, sneaked in behind a legit airliner and just followed it into a country where it could land.

Sunday night I was listening to a panel discuss between aviation experts. The discuss was led by the CNN reporter who asked, "Well, on the this the holiest day of the week, maybe it time to talk about the possibility that the all powerful god just took the airplane."
It was time for my bedtime, so I clicked it off before I started throwing things.

My wife surpassed her goal of donations and will have her head shaved next Saturday. She asked me how long I would be at my bar because she wanted to stop by. During this discussion she used the term "Shavee", which I had never heard before and thought very funny. But, apparently, that's what people who have their head shaved is called.

Oh, complimentary hush puppies and honey butter?

Aaaaaaaand I’m full.

Is cocaine considered vegan?

I still let myself dream about having super powers.

Ever notice how botched surgeries never go in the patient's favor? "I'm sorry Mr. O'Leary, but I accidentally added two inches to your penis."

OOMVO...(2)...

Apparently the human race used to have interpersonal skill that doesn’t require an electronic device to execute. I have no idea how this works and believe it to be some kind of witchcraft.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you juxtaposition...

I've said it before and I will say it again, people are very clever...

Doctor: "Do you smoke?"

Me: "Only recreationally."

 Iditarod dogs...

...and these dogs would rather pull a sled than anything else on earth...

If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you wagging its tail, you're in love with a dog and it probably just took a shit.

Can’t dance? Just spell your name in the air with your butt. Boom! Next problem?

I'm not saying we should start sacrificing children to volcanoes, but if we did, discipline would cease to be a problem.

A very old selfie of...

 Collin Powell.

Stumbled across this image. See anything....odd?

 Check out the guy's hair on the right.

Admit it, we've all used the "gravelly voice" when calling in sick to work. I'm surprised that death doesn't visit us during these calls. "You're not on the list, but you sound like you're ready."

You need to see this again...

 Her eyes alone are reason to laugh aloud.

Giving tourists a ride on the moon rover...

Can you deduce what happened in this next image?

A large python has swallowed a pet dog that was chained up inside its kennel in a backyard in northern New South Wales, Australia. The dog's owner received a "nasty shock" when she approached the kennel to let her Chihuahua-Maltese cross off its chain, only to find a carpet python in its place with a large bulge in its body and the dog's chain emerging from its mouth.

 Tony Benn, a veteran left wing Labor MP who renounced his title in order to become a parliamentarian, has died at home at the age of 88. Benn was a principled campaigner and articulate statesman. When Tony Benn was a Member of Parliament, he would go around with homemade plaques celebrating heroes of democracy, such as suffragette Emily Wilding Davison, and illegally screw them to the walls. He copped to this during a sitting of Parliament in 2001, saying, "I have put up several plaques—quite illegally, without permission; I screwed them up myself…”

 Looks like my kind of guy.

One good thing about breaking your hip; you get to catch up on your languishing. And if I've learned anything, it is that people doubt you are in pain unless you bitch and moan about it every waking moment.

I once called in to ask for a day off to drink.

 My buddy, Jambe, told me that a long time ago.

Has anyone, anywhere ever actually put a dollar sign on a bag of money?

Do it yourself gasoline cleanse...

MISPRONUNCIATIONS CHANGE LANGUAGE

Adder, apron and umpire all used to start with an "n". Constructions like "A nadder" or "Mine napron" were so common the first letter was assumed to be part of the preceding word. Linguists call this kind of thing reanalysis or rebracketing.

Wasp used to be waps; bird used to be brid and horse used to be hros. Remember this when the next time you hear someone complaining about aks for ask or nucular for nuclear, or even perscription. It's called metathesis, and it's a very common, perfectly natural process.

 I have no idea what that means, but I thought it sounded rather cerebral.

Two ways to emerge from puberty...

Thank you, Uggs, for having the most honest product name.

I live in South Carolina. I see people like this guy all the time...

Live a life where you can die without thinking the you were cheated.

I think a lot of people would cancel their gym membership in favor of V8 colonics.

Decades ago a friend of mine was going to meet an old friend (whom he hadn't seen in a long time) at a restaurant. He told the guy that his wife couldn't hear and that he should talk very loudly so not to embarrass her. He told his wife the same thing.

He said the weirdest part is that neither of them even noticed that he wasn't yelling, nor the waiter.

SYDSE...

One of the scariest moments in movies...

Babies are cute...in a generic sorta way. I mean, most people couldn't pick their newborn out of a pile of newborns...but I would love to see them try.

Photographer: "Go on over there in the mud, darlin', and get half naked."
My wife: "Fuck you."

My attempt to start "Talk Like a Ninja Day" isn't going very well.

Halloween must really be annoying for people in wheelchairs. I mean, your options are pretty much just Stephen Hawking.

Hippies spread peace and love and drove a car invented by Nazis.

The U.S. National Security Agency (NSA) is once again close to denying reports that it is indiscriminately monitoring every computer on planet Earth. This time, the freshest, newest, most recent report of NSA mass-surreptitiousness alleges the sneaky agency infects computers with malware via a fake Facebook  login page.