THURSDAY'S OBLIQUITY #1972

Shit that is only funny because it's true...

I’m not really into doing things.

Scott, the ball is in your court...

People start off with “When life gives you lemons…” and I interrupt with “I bitch about the lemons, TOO!”

Good guy cops moving a limb out of the road....

How much do I love beer? If I owned a brewery I would forget what a vagina looked like.

It’s all bout perspective. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship’s kitchen.

OOMVO...

You men without beards may think this is an exaggeration, but it's not...

Just ask my nephew, Bruce.

I have talked to several men who started, then shaved their beard because “the wife didn’t like it”. Would you like my opinion on that? Of course you would.

I say that if she can more or less ‘demand’ you scrap off a naturally growing beard, then as a matter of fairness, you should be able to ‘demand’ that she drop those fifty pounds that she put on just because she likes chocolate.

Hubble zooming in on a gallaxy far, far away...

"And we have just opened our eyes."

Let me share this insanity with you one more time...

“Is Pepsi okay?” – My coke dealer trying to be funny.

The element of surprise wasn’t allowed near the Periodic Table.

Every married man when he asks his wife "What's the matter?" and she says, "What do you think?"

This GIF is but a small portion of the film, which was impressive...

How a man kept his dog from escaping out of a temporary hole in his fence...

My very favorite bar owner, Joe Wilson (aka Joey) was at a city council meeting and had the strongest urge to scream “You lie!” I bet it would have made the national news.

(I wonder how many people will get that?)

Sometimes I imagine my dog talking to the dog in the next yard and all they say is “You’ll never guess what I rolled in! You’ll never guess what I rolled in!”

OOMVO...

 A friend of mine said it took him the longest time to figure out what OOMVO stood for. He said this with embarrassment.

I do shit like this all the time...

I think there are some phsyics involved where by this size ends the erosion...

If science could find a safe, inexpensive, reversible way to sterilize men until they actually decide to be fathers, that would be great.

A couple of my favorite atheletes and what they make PER YEAR...

There are more skeletons wearing really nice suits beneath the ground than there are living people.

A few very unique items I came upon...

It was a sad and disappointing day when I discovered that my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the universe. (not even remotely)

People are always using this word...

 "How do you like my new cane?" "It's nice."

"Did you read my blog?" "It's nice."

Fuck nice! It's like looking at a painting and declaring it "interesting". Jesus, people, you can do better than that.

Not saying this is great art, but at least he's trying...

If humans could fly we would consider it exercise and never do it.

One of the first visual gags on the internet...

 Of course, I will take this as an opportunity to remind you that we are over-criminalized.

What a great idea! Reading on the beach is one of the most wonderful things on Earth...

Nothing is on fire.

Fire is on things.

If high heels are a requirement for female employees, I think OSHA would step in to void the requirement...

I've seen so many women sigh and rub their sore feet as soon as they get home. They wear uncomfortable shoes ON PURPOSE! Please, somebody take the time to explain that to me...but use small words and short sentences.

I’ve got to learn how to rap.

Portugal Navy trying to launch their new drone...

 ...while knowing he's being filmed.

Nobody wants to end up a little old lady who can barely walk and think ‘Damn! I could have been a big whore all that time.’

I asked her about her fake tan and she said, “I was chocolate before it was cool.” And to think people like that are allowed to reproduce.