TUESDAY #2095

NEWSY BITS...

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On one hand I feel bad that Jennifer Lawrence's privacy was invaded, but on the other hand....well, that hand is busy. I’ve spent years trying to get someone to look at my nudes. Celebrities have it so easy. But on the upside, it's been 24 hours without seeing an ice bucket challenge on my newsfeed.

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I have no idea what that means, but it sounds awesome.
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According to the Bureau of Labor Statistics, more than 22 percent of Americans hold one of the lowest paying jobs that the agency categorizes...

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Twitter claims a 90 percent accuracy rate for the clever techniques it uses to learn the gender of any given user.

Researchers note that "OMG" is used four times as often by women than men in the dataset of Twitter messages they tested. The phrase "my zipper" has an extremely high predictive value for men, while "my yoga" has the same effect for women. The paper even notes, "People laugh differently on Twitter as well. While women LOL, men tend to LMFAO."

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Yes, I do very bad things, but I do them very well.

ANIMALS AND SUCH

Then there are these magnificent creatures...

My sex life reminds me of Abraham Lincoln.

Concerning a previous post...

My last four scores were seven years ago.

Now you're just showing off...

If you don’t have anything nice to say, say it anyway.

Workers at a state-of-the-art solar plant in the Mojave Desert have a name for birds that fly through the plant’s concentrated sun rays — “streamers,” for the smoke plume that comes from birds that ignite in midair.

A close-up of a swatted fly....note damage...

It's called a feeding frenzy and birds do it too...

What happens when the fan hits the shit?

Dragging a replica elephant on wheels along the Cavalla Pass in Italy is hardly a remake of Hannibal's achievement.

And while prodding the elephants over the Alps, Hannibal took a prisoner and told him that he was to fight an elephant and gave the man a knife, telling him if he was victorious, then he would live. The man somehow got up under the elephant, split open the stomach and killed the elephant. Hannibal killed the guy anyway.

By the by, in combat, the terrified elephants killed as many of Hannibal's warriors as they did the enemy. Go figure.

How do unemployed people celebrate Labor Day?

PLACES THAT WOULD AWE ME

Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at.

If you had the power to take away 3 words from the dictionary, which words would you choose?

HUMANS

My kind of man...

You know there’s a thin line between dark humor and just being a bad person.

The guy was just fucking with them!!!!

I was once asked by a potential employer: “Previous Position?” I wrote” “Fetal.”

 A thing of beauty...

Just like they drew it up in the play book.

12 Times When People Died While Having Sex: An article I read but was not impressed by...

But it did remind me of a story.

Three friends were on a trip to Vegas and one of them ordered a prostitute. Later, my friend got a knock on his door and, opening it, found the prostitute upset...demanding that they look in on their friend. They did and he was dead.

The problem was that the guy alway slept in silk pajamas (even on camping trips), but the dead guy was, unsurprisingly, naked. So, before calling the police, my friend found the guy's pajamas and put them on the body so the wife would believe the story that he had died in his sleep. TRUE STORY.

 When shit hits the fan, I want to be this guy...

“Home is where the heart is.”

‘Chest’. I believe the word you were looking for was ‘chest’.

THINGS

I mentioned Arecibo the other day. While there I saw a triple rainbow...not exactly like this one, but still impressive...

Who in their right mind would do such a thing?

A stick-on that makes your phone look broken...

I can only assume to reduce theft.

 I have posted these living bridges before, but just read that they are the roots of rubber trees...

Let's talk over-engineering...

Do you think that knot is absolutely necessary?

It's a Lincoln head cent, issued in 1909 on the centennial of Lincoln's birth, and the first in a long series of gazillions of similar pennies differing only in date and mint marks. But there is something about this penny that no other penny on earth shares. It's not on earth.  It's on Mars.  Embedded in the framework of the Mars Curiosity rover, it has been used to calibrate the optical elements.

I met a guy tonight who was colorblind. Or a liar.

WORDY STUFF

YMCA as a sonnet....

One Of My Very Own...

 Don't we all, Sparky. Don't we all.

Quit while you are ahead is the worse advice I’ve ever gotten.

And why I got kicked off the track team.

 FOOD

 Which first?

If you live in a place with no fried onion rings, I feel sorry for you...

I think about bread...a lot...

I think that right after porridge or whatever gruel they made from grains, the first baked item primitives made must have been bread. I love bread more than you can imagine.

Every loaf of bread is a tragic story of grains that could’ve become beer….but….didn’t.

There is a whole website of food and cleavage...

Every time I go to the library to get my books on tape, I go to a computer and leave the tab open to “Best way to get semen off a keyboard.”

ART or art

Not sure about this guy fucking with someone else's "art", but his silhouettes are very clever...

Is it true that if you have a tapeworm you can hold a Mars Bar up to your asshole to lure it out?

Some people took to the first International Devirginization Day more enthusiastically than others...

I’d settle for being on cloud 5 or even 4.

POLITICAL 

Long-term planning is not one of humanity's strong suits... 

She scared me at first, but my wife was only crazy enough to make the sex good.

PHOTOGRAPHY

 I was once asked to review an illustrated book on carnival strippers. I ended up writing something like..."...this book allows you to learn everything you want to know about carnival strippers without ever getting sawdust on your shoes."

The publishers liked that.

 I have found this very true...

If life was fair, kegs would have wheels.

AND THEN THERE'S THIS...
Tonight, one of my sluttier (and that's saying A LOT) bartenders was talking to a male customer. Didn't catch his question, but she responded emphatically, "I'm not really into group sex. I tried it, but.....no." Then they looked at me, so I managed to get out four or five sentences of hard won wisdom before I learned there was such a thing as group texts.
Sometimes being half deaf sucks.
And that, Gentle Reader, is absolutely factual.