THURSDAY #3567

One Of My Very Own

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EMAIL: ralph.henry.at.folio.olio@gmail.com

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Won bets up and down the bar taking Barcelona and giving Tottenum plus one goal. It was a very exciting game with my main man Messi scoring two goals for the 4-2 win.

CONFESSIONS FROM YOUR HOST

I've always wanted to do this.

I have made aluminum sculptures like that in graduate school. We just buried shaped Styrofoam in wet sand and poured in the molten metal.

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I have nightmares like this.

But in mine, I'm on a slick, sloped high platform.

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Division by zero on a mechanical calculator.

Reminds me of how proud I am of my Ph.D. daughter - the real rocket scientist.

But I have two daughters. The younger one has a  learning disability, yet she completely 12 years in the military, then came home and bought a house and has a good job. I am very proud of her also.

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This is my beer of choice.

I prefer Krystal Burgers, but White Castles are the next best thing. I've been eating Krystals since I was a child.

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Gramps Almost Caught a Heart Attack

When I was about 10 years old a shark bit my prize catch in half as I was reeling it in. I didn't see it happen, but the half fish was proof enough.

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I do not like cheap replica cultural costumes. I got ill driving through Cancun and seeing the fake Maya doormen and such.

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I do not like cats and seldom post them.

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The manager of my bar began complaining about somebody who had shit on the floor in the bathroom the day before.

Well, that was me one time. I was sitting on the barstool one minutes and running to the bathroom the next. I managed a few squirts of diarrhea then thought I was finished. I wiped, stood and leaned over to pull my pants up. That is when the dam broke and shit exploded out my ass...all over the toilet seat, the wall and the floor very much like the above. Well, I WANTED to clean it up, but every time I leaned over with a huge wad of toilet paper I felt like I was going to spew shit again, this time the other direction. I tried everything I could but soon just gave up and left. 

Now Dylan knows it was me, but I really didn't have many options.

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My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things calm down.

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GET LEARNT

Speed Test

You think? GODDAMN! Why don't we make charging combat robots like that?

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Okay, that's impressive, but what about the building method?

I'm sorry but I just don't get it, unless the stones are for insulation. Seems to me that one tremor and the wall would crumble.

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Artists try new application methods all the time. I once used squeegees attached to poles and it turned out remarkably well.

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These people are not paid enough.

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Stupid computer.

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When lightning strikes a sidewalk.

I would trowel in grout very similar to what is used in between ceramic tile in your bathroom - using a contrasting color, of course.

Kind of like this only not so big, or hot, or liquid.

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Plasma Blade

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Her professional title is: Noodle Squirter.

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Street butcher

Right off the cardboard. But you don't hear about many people getting sick. I imagine that's because that animal has probably been dead but a few hours and the meat will be cooked immediately.

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Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave.

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FUN WITH LANGUAGE

The Loophole

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Getting a morning job would never enter his mind.

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????

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The only reason I love airports is because the rules of society just don't apply. You can eat pizza and drink beer at 7 am and nobody cares.

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PEOPLE NOT LIKE YOU AND ME

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A woman, 30, slips out of the handcuffs and escapes police station - only to be arrested an hour later and charged with prostitution after fleeing back to the same hotel where she was first taken into custody.

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Remember the time I pointed out all the foot impacts from previous attempts?

Well, that is a previous attempt.

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What part of stay stiff didn't you understand?

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It must be hard to paint looking in a mirror.

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Always make sure you're pointing the T-Shirt cannon at the crowd. 

It's called testicular trauma and it's a bad thing.

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Today I learned it is not proper to say, "Fucking gross" after someone tells you she's pregnant. I had no idea.

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THINGS THAT COULD ONLY HAPPEN IN AMERICA

Oh, you want violently American?

How about this bad by?

Or this.

Or the internet's favorite warplane...

And lest we forget, not only do we have them by the thousands, we aren't afraid to use them.

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Have you ever been to an American gun show? They have a lot more stuff than guns.

Historic items...

And weapons of war from every war.

And in America, anybody can walk right in off the street and by any or all of those items - no questions asked.

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Americans LOVE conspiracy theories. I don't know why they have a need to make them up when our government conspires to get us into endless wars.

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Many Americans think all bad behavior can be legislated away.

I AM NOT one of those people.

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These weren't born wild hogs. They start out as escaped domestic hogs, then undergo a dramatic transformation.

I'm not sure about this usage of "invasive."

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Who in their right mind gets thirsty and decides to drink a glass of milk?

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ANIMALS AND SUCH

^Sand fly larvae.

^Silkworm

^Predaceous diving beetle.

^Carpet beetle

^Carpet beetle

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A Remain Dinosaur

I showed this to a guy at the bar and he suggested that he would hit the beast in the nose with the paddle. I said, "Yeah, you would startle him, he would flop around and turn your boat over. Now you are in the water with a pissed off alligator."

A diver dove in to have a closer look at a dead alligator. Then he went in for an even closer look and the thing opened his eye and looked straight at the guy.

As I understand it, because of excellent energy conservation and being cold blooded he only has to eat like that once a month or so.

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Wrong end, you twat.

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Things you will never forget. How awesome is that? Well, that's what I do for a living. I will guarantee you that if you see my dollar art, I truly believe it would be very hard to forget them. The same may be true for Folio Olio, but it's too early to make that call. But my real goal is to be someone that other people will never forget. Oh, I have thousands already, but most of those are students I have taught, but I try very hard to expand that number every fucking day.

You smiled, didn't you? Smiling at something on the internet is the same as laughing, you cad.

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