LAS VEGAS

Finally returned to our back roads...ah, the back roads, where you can eat breakfast at a place called The Hungry Bear in a tiny hamlet I never even caught the name of. We like it that way.

We drove through the Mojave Desert today on the way to Hoover Dam. The desert is much more rocky than I had anticipated.

We pulled off to pee and there was a tree...the only one for 100 miles.

In front of the tree there was this sign.

Behind the sign was a collection of items left by travelers, some of them pretty neat. It may look like trash, but these items are actually arranged, with some hanging in the tree.

Of course, I couldn't resist installing Tag #86 there...I mean, I was invited!

Then Hoover Dam...what can I say? Coming in from the east there was a 4 mile stop and go traffic jam...took a couple of hours. I was not a happy camper. And when I say stop and go I mean that the traffic STOPPED, then a minute later you crept up a car length, then you STOPPED again. Then when I got to the dam there was only one observation platform with a parking garage that charged money to look at something my tax dollars built...sort of. It was so fucking crowded we blew off the whole tourist thing, therefore I never saw the big part of the dam because the guardrail was too high...damn!

The new bridge is NOT open and all in all I was extremely disappointed with the whole ordeal.

Leaving the dam, there was stop and go traffic backed up for 7 miles on the Las Vegas side heading toward the dam...poor bastards, cause once on the other side the only place to actually go is to turn around and drive over it again.

In Las Vegas we are staying on the outskirts and I haven't even SEEN a casino.

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There are plans afoot to build a huge mosque right next to ground zero. They say that it is to honor the victims. Can you believe the insensitivity of that? Come out of your cave, America, it's dark in there.

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HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Men and their penis tattoos...tsk, tsk...

- From the lips of my old friend, Carl Copeland. I miss him.

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CALIFORNIA

We were forced to drive interstate all day...there just aren't any back roads in this part of the desert that lead anywhere. Therefore no tags installed, no cool shit to see, no nothing...fast food restaurants and chain motels...we hate it. It's like vacationing in West Columbia.

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One running gag has been going on since we left Columbia. When we pass a truck, my wife, remembering her Southern youth, tries to do that hand gesture to encourage the truck driver to blow his air horn. If you are unfamiliar with an air horn, it is activated by a thick cord on the roof of the trucker's cab. He reaches up, yanks on the cord and the horn blasts. To encourage him to blast his horn on command, you clinch your fist and pump it in the air as if you are pulling down on the cord. It is very, very important, however, that your knuckles are in the UP position! My wife doesn't know this. She gives the truckers the signal with her knuckles pointed to the side, and when she pumps her fist up and down it looks very much like she is offering the truck drivers a hand job.

(That, gentle readers, is a true story if I've ever told one)

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I did manage to get off the road in time for the second half of the USA/Limey World Cup. 1-1 which isn't all that bad since they were heavily favored. From what I saw, however, the USA team is outclassed. The one goal they scored happened on a botched stop by the Limey goalie that is not apt to occur again...EVER.

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For another perspective on the whole oil spill disaster, you may want to read this.

It's a little long, but here's what one Brit thinks about it...and us and our response.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/debate/article-1285716/Obamas-BP-oil-spill-ire-Americas-ALWAYS-tried-Britain.html

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My wife calls these cacti "Men with their hands up". I call them the "French Army Cactus"

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A man was born thousands of years ago, did a lot of weird shit, told his friends he was holy, those friends told their friends he was holy, etc, etc, until this. I mean, DAMN, ya'll!! Does that sound at all reasonable to you?

But those people are not alone. Juggernaut (believe it or look it up) is an idol of Krishna, and at Puri in Orissa, India, this idol is annually drawn on an enormous cart under whose wheels some devotees throw themselves to be crushed.

[ Come on, people. We, the human race, are above this voodoo bullshit! ]

"Common sense is the least common of all senses."

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This is from a pro gay marriage march...rather clever, I thought.

"I drink alcohol to drown my problems...unfortunately, problems are damn good swimmers."

A perfect gift for that underachieving nephew of yours...

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Across the side street from the school where I taught, there was a seedy apartment building. Once a family moved in and within 24 hours a pane had been broken out of a window and they filled the hole with a bed pillow...half in, half out. Within 36 hours they mounted a dish right next to that window...pillow remaining. It stayed that way for over a year. These images just reminded me of that.

It would be interesting to know what language this is...

Things to do today:

1. Laugh

2. Repeat #1 as often as possible

3. Tell people of my to do list

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I have absolutely no idea what this is about...

...but don't they both look happy...

After announcing that it accidentally collected data over non-encrypted Wi-Fi networks from more than 30 countries over several years, Google is now telling lawmakers that it never examined or made use of any of the information gathered.

(do you believe that? DO YOU?!? "ACCIDENTALLY?!?!?!?!!?)

One of my very own...

But I have a very active imagination...

If you are reading this...CONGRATULATIONS! You are alive and if that's not something to smile about, then I don't know what is.

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TUCSON - Day 2

My wife and several astute readers pointed out that I made a mistake in my last post...it was Joe Wilson, not DeMint who yelled at the president...sorry.

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I have a theory that if a man and woman sleep together in the same bed long enough, then molecules of his ass will migrate over to her side of the bed and attach themselves to her ass. As proof I offer this fact: I used to have an ass, now I have none; and now my wife...well, you get my point. I wanted to provide photographic evidence, but, even in the interest of science, my wife would have none of it.

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7am...92 degrees. Found the new large bag of M&M's in the glove box. Melted down into a blob that feels very much like a silicon breast implant.

Proof that Americans are not as stupid as they are purported to be: just found out that the reason all the motels have vacancies and the restaurants are all but empty is that nobody comes here in the summer because it's just too damn hot. Somehow I missed that survival memo.

But it could be worse. I just found out that in Canada the rule is to always dig out your license plate first...that way you don't dig out somebody else's car by mistake.

I really haven't been anywhere or done anything to share with you today...mostly I just sit around waiting for my wife to finish her shopping, then we both go out and eat too much.

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"Peace is that brief glorious moment in history when everybody stands around reloading." Thomas Jefferson

THE WORLD'S OLDEST SHOE

This cowhide lace-up was worn 5,500 years ago...1,000 years BEFORE the Great Pyramid. It's a size 4, probably a woman's. Also found in the same cave were three jars, each containing a child's head.

(I will bet real money that you didn't know that)

"When I joined the military, homosexuality was illegal. Then it became optional. I'm getting out before Obama makes it mandatory."

Kenya was a British colony when Obama was born. BP is a British company. Coincidence? I think not.

But tomorrow USA plays the limey oil dumping, inept bastards in the World Cup and IT'S TIME TO PAY THE LIMEY BASTARDS BACK!!!

(Some people are now calling New Orleans the Big Greasy)

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And now several interesting photos I found...

ET must have taught the kid a special trick to put that smile on his bride's face.

Guy's love stuff like this...

"It just dawned on me that I will never die young...well, that's something anyway."

"TV is gooder than books is."

One of my very own...

A cop killer was found by the Swat team and shot 68 times. The coroner listed the cause of death as Natural Causes. When asked about it, the coroner said, "Well, when you get shot 68 times you are naturally gonna die."

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TUCSON

My wife has an old friend who is like a gazillionaire. Among other things, she owns a bed and breakfast outside Tucson and insisted that we stay here. There is no smoking near the room, so I have to walk 30 yards through the dessert to the "Smoking Area" - a concrete slab and wooden bench with no shade. I took a cold beer out with me the last time. It was at room temperature in about 38 seconds...it's that fucking hot. The soles of my shoes were melting!

But it's a dry heat, which only meant that half of my beer evaporated before I could make it back to my room.

The room we were assigned has 14 (fourteen)...FOURTEEN!!!...crosses.

I live in fear that in the dead of night I will be overpowered and a Mexican gardener will perform a crude and painful exorcism on me with something akin to a stable shovel. But speak me no soft words in ruth and pity, I deserve all the magic I can get.

The room also has the obligatory Virgin Mary calendar and two wall-mounted Madonna plates.

The Virgin Mary is kind of neat. Pray smarter, not harder, is what I say. If you petition god, you have to acknowledge his sovereignty, but if you whine to his mother, the possibilities are endless.

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I'm awaiting anxiously my first game of the World Cup. Luckily the afternoon games come on at 4PM in the Mountain Time Zone (5 Pacific). That way I will have enough time off the road to get a little buzz on before kickoff.

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I received this email today...titled "Only in South Carolina".

COLUMBIA, S.C. — An unemployed man who raised no funds and put up no campaign shocked South Carolina's Democratic Party leadership by capturing the nomination Tuesday to face Republican U.S. Sen. Jim DeMint in November. With nearly all precincts reporting, Alvin Greene, 32, commanded 59 percent of the vote against 41 percent for former four-term state lawmaker Vic Rawl, 64, who had raised about $186,000. State Democratic Party Chairwoman Carol Fowler said voters unfamiliar with either candidate may have voted alphabetically for Greene over Rawl. "As far as I know, he never showed up at anything. Vic Rawl has been campaigning everywhere from the time he filed," she said.

(VOTED ALPHABETICALLY!!!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!)

****THINGS I FIND WORTHY OF SHARING****

My plan is to get as many people as I know to throw EVERY present member of congress out. ANY new guy COULDN'T do worse than the ones in there now....however, to get rid of Jim DeMint (Who yelled "You lie" at the president) I would have to advocate voting for the unemployed guy mentioned earlier. It will be a tough call on election day.

One of my very own...

No tag installation today....no worthy candidates.

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SHOW LOW, AZ

Last night at a restaurant in Williams, AZ, we ate at a table by the window. We watched as cowboys (with guns strapped on) walked up and down the street...I assumed they were paid to do so. Most had beards and looked a little smarmy.

While my wife was paying the tab, I went to a bench out front to smoke. After a minute or so, a group of French people walked up and in a thick frog accent asked, "Are you famous here?" I almost took them for a ride down fabrication lane, but knew I wouldn't have the time to make the trip meaningful.

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I know I'm being picky, but shit like this sends me up the fucking wall...

What's worse for an artist than an awful painting in his motel room? TWO OF THE EXACT SAME AWFUL ART IN ONE ROOM!!!! JEEEEEEEZ!

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I will say it again...

This country is fucking HUGE!! And right in the middle of this drive, Fergie GPS girl got drunk or something. Here is what it sounded like for five minutes, with hardly a break...

Turn right, then turn right...Turn left....Turn right, then turn left....Turn left, turn right.....etc.

As you can see there was no turn possible for a hundred miles.

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We have learned two very important lessons during our travels in the west:

1. Never let your gas gauge fall below half

2. Never pass up a chance to pee...women pee A LOT!!!

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But along the way, we came upon this gem...Check out the old cars posed in front of each "room" at this motel.

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Finally arrived at the number one item on my bucket list...Meteor Crater. And I just stood in total awe.

On the way out of the observation building we saw this...

If you thought it was a mural, well, so did Debbie and I. I had to do a triple take before I realized it was a hole in the wall.

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Knew I wanted to tag something around the crater, and selected this marker with the mounded crater rim in the background.

I had just finished putting the screwdriver in my pocket when the ranger stopped right in his lane, got out and wanted to know what was going on. I showed him my camera, took a picture of the rim and he warned of the danger of getting stuck in the sand and then...he drove away.

That was close. I can just imagine having to call one of you to bail me out of jail for vandalizing federal property or some such shit.

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After the crater, which I liked very much, we went to the Petrified Forest. On the route into it, there were a half dozen stores as the one below.

Each of these stores covered tens of acres; FILLED with petrified wood. I was impressed.

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Then after I entered the park (absolutely FREE because of that $10 senior pass I bought at the Grand Canyon - savings...$30), I realized why. There are huge petrified trees literally littering the ground...tens of thousands of them. This photo doesn't do the scale justice, but every dark dot you see in the distance is a chunk of petrified tree...and this goes on for 28 miles.

Here's the chunk I acquired...I like it because it looks like and is about the size of a pork loin.

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Now a history lesson: C.E. Cooley and Marion Clark decided there was not enough room for both of them in their settlement. The two men agreed to let a game of cards decide who had to move. A marathon poker game ended with no clear winner, so a frustrated Clark said, "If you can show low, you win." (I can only assume that it was a cut the deck with the lowest card taking it all). Cooley turned up the deuce of clubs (the lowest possible card) and replied, "Show low it is." Thus the town was named.

The stakes were a 100,000 acre ranch. Show Low's main street is named "Deuce of Clubs" in remembrance of Cooley's feat (the street on which I now find myself in a motel). Later, a bronze statue of the participants was commissioned.

I really wanted to tag either the Show Low city limits or a Deuce of Clubs street sign because I think the names are cool as shit, but I'm running low tags, so one a day max.

Time for an early supper...we aren't noctivagant diners.

****THINGS I'VE FOUND WORTHY OF SHARING****

Lara actually showed these through a large telescope in Boston and they are just these colors.

Speaking of space...

My wife said that she loves me with all her butt, adding that she would have said heart, but her butt is bigger.

(good thing Christians pray, like...up)

Sarcasm is the body's natural defense against stupid.

It's only kinky the first time.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!

And lastly one from my wife...I liked it.

http://www.wistv.com/Global/story.asp?S=12616538

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