THURSDAY #1401

NEWSY ITEMS

I'm following this whole "if you ban large capacity clips our children won't be murdered" debate. Both sides are performing magic tricks with the data, but this next one is just plain wrong.

 The only people who carry loaded weapons on a military base are the police. All the people shot were, more or less, sitting in a large classroom.

As for the much ridiculed suggestion of putting armed guards in schools, consider this...

And I will state again so there is no misunderstanding; if I were an insane murderer, my weapon of choice would be a 12 gauge shotgun with 000 buckshot. No clips to fuck with, you just keep shoving in shells of which you have pocketfuls, thus no "down" time. 
Now let's move on.

Being Old: A Tutorial...(you've got to watch til the end...only a couple of minutes)...

I realized that my posts have been rather mild of late; therefore I have designed this post to be as offensive as humanly possible.

Ended up on a bar stood next to a federal forestry official one time; he said that without loggers we would have lost even MORE timber due to forest fires that they couldn't put out because there were no roads and bridges that the logging companies put in...and the guy worked for the feds...

Whenever someone uses a bunch of three dollar words for no apparent reason, I use the line I stole from Blazing Saddles; to wit: "You use your tongue prettier than a twenty-dollar whore."
That's a very difficult statement to respond to.


How in the fuck did how a person uses his/her genitalia become a moral issue?

Now that's one pissed of homo...

The world has two national sports: Rioting and Sadness.


Recognize this woman? You should.

I have many young people ask me my secret to happiness.
I tell them to just smoke dope every fucking day.
(I use "fucking" so it's sure to sink in)

I've seen some shit.


I just thought it was a cool image...

Is that a howdah or did you lose weight?


Phonograph stylus and LP groves...

I was telling a group of men a story about an encounter I had had with a clerk at the DMV and one of the guys asked, "Was she a Caucasian?"

One of my old murals made front page of the newspaper...without credit...but what the hell...

On the same day my wife got a new Facebook friend and here is what she had to say...

FUCK BREADCRUMBS!!


One of my very own...

I once had a girl tell me I looked like shit.
I took it as a compliment.
Then I spit in her drink when she wasn't looking.


These two images more or less speak for themselves...

If you hate reality shows as much as I hate reality shows, you will love the movie SERIES 7: THE CONTENDERS. It's a reality show where people are tasked with killing one another. Last one standing wins. And they more or less go about their normal lives.

WHAT NOT TO SAY TO YOUR WIFE:
My wife enticed me to go see her parents by adding: "My mother is cooking."
I said, "Good. Put her on a slow heat and let her simmer...and don't forget the garlic."

Is it just me or does this look delicious?

When Fleming invented penicillin he saved millions and millions and millions of lives...maybe more than anybody.

Read this and thought, "How long could this go on?"

No single person owns the Internet. No single government has authority over its operations. Some technical rules and hardware/software standards enforce how people plug into the Internet, but for the most part, the Internet is a free and open broadcast medium of hardware networking.

OOMVO...

You ever wonder what they do with all the prison shanks they confiscate? I have it on good authority that they ship them to my dental hygienist.


$600 an hour!!!!

How much for 5 minutes?

How could this man not assume there was a camera...

In case that font is too small for your phone, it says that a UPS guy stole a package just left by the Fedex guy.

Okay, I have a question. I could probably spend a couple of hours Googling it, but then you wouldn't know what's on my mind, which is why you're on this site to begin with.
We all know the we feel gravity on the earth in an arbitrary number called 1G. What I want to know is, how far up to you have to fly before it's 1/2G?

How much gravity do the pilots of this bad boy feel?

From all I've seen and heard, gravity goes from gravity to no gravity at the snap of the fingers.

The motherfuckers killed these heroes?!?

Same people 30 years apart...and the door still needs the same repair...

I used this line on my wife one time:
"I put the std in stud, now all I need is u."
She rolled her eyes back so far that she detached a retina.


Worth a second view...

Fuck organ transplants; fuck gene splicing; and fuck space travel. This is the greatest invention of modern times...

"Santa is perpetually short-staffed."
That line is not very funny, but I knew if I didn't use it now I would never get a chance.


FACT: These people are lovers.

From Alex: When they are toe to toe, his nose is in it. And when they are nose to nose, his toes are in it.

There are people who have no idea what it feels like to hit a person in the face as hard as you can.

I am not one of those people.

My wife woke me up the other night and said, "Roll over. You're breathing on me." Like that's a bad thing!?!


OOMVO...

How come you never see half grown pigeons?


If you don't see the humor in this, then you are a very nice person...

The Netherlands and Holland are not the same thing. There is a North and a South Holland, two districts in The Netherlands. The Hollands contain the largest cities and the most people, thus the confusion.


OOMVO...

With great power comes great electricity bills.

On the same day I found this on the internet...

...I found this. I thought both their combination of being silly while looking sad was interesting.

Within 24 hours the internet had done this...

Every once in a while I like to say things like "When pigs take a flying shit in the woods" just to see if the person is pretentious enough to correct me. If they do I say, "Oh, I feel as silly as the fun monkey who filled the barrel."

Question: The Eighteenth Amendment prohibited "the manufacture, sale or transporting" of alcoholic beverages. That's a fact. So in all the movies, why do all the patrons run off when a speakeasy is raided? The consumption was never a crime.

My reaction when a grown man told me that the bible was the greatest historical document known to mankind...

I like to drink enough on Christmas morning that I get to enjoy the revelation of my presents again once I regain consciousness.


When two galaxies collide, the chance of two stars hitting one another is remote...

I've been called ugly by women until they find out how much money I have, then they call me ugly and poor.


It actually moves...

Speaking of long skinny slithering things...

Oh, lord, it's hard to be humble, when your perfect in every way.
(I wonder how many people will get that)

OOMVO...

I'm an American and I say the fork is superior to chopsticks.


(there are now hundreds of these on the internet)

Want to confuse people? The next time someone says "Good morning", just wrinkle your brow and say, "Is it? Is it really?"


Oh, look, my very first coloring book...circa 1949...a gift from my Uncle Bill...well, "a gift" if you mean  I stole it out of his sock drawer...

Last month I joined a gym. I now weigh $29 less.


When I hear a white person try to jive talk like a black person and it's not a joke...

I don't get why Koreans celebrate Christmas when Jesus isn't even Korean. You American wannabes!

In 2013 you can reuse calendars from 2002,1991, 1985, 1974 and a bunch more.


Interesting, but....

...how many libraries do you figure were around back then in Africa? They didn't get spoken language until 1949's.....

Question: If I get a face tattoo, do the welfare checks come to the house or is it direct deposit?
A: They come pre-loaded on each Walmart gift card.

Does everyone finally understand the difference between a powerful social message and writing your fucking street name?

The word "Muggle" was added to the OED to mean a person with no or little skills....

For Christmas my wife gave me the DVD "Hot and Horny Housewives Do Anal 3." 
Question: Do you think I will understand what's going on if I haven't seen 1 and 2?


My uncle was an ass man...

(NOTE: My favorite Uncle Bill died this week. Hard to explain why I can't do another funeral, but....I can't.)

My Uncle Bill used to tell me that when stirring a pot, you should always go in one circular direction and never reverse it. He said that by reversing you were actually putting a few of the atoms back where they were. Now, even after all these years, I think of him every time I stir a pot.....and I don't reverse the direction....ever.

Remember, every time you have to step on the brake, your whole life is in your foot's hands.


Need a quick gift idea?

Dear People From Regular Places,
I live amongst people just like this....I swear...

Why can't printers just wait for two seconds until you load more paper before going into some sort of mid-life crisis during which they try to re-evaluate their entire lives  before collapsing?


Shit you don't see everyday...

After careful analysis of this clip, I am absolutely certain of two things: There was money wagered on the race; and there was alcohol involved.

If it were only this easy...