MONDAY #1428

ABSOLUTELY TRUE STORY:
Friday night I was sitting at the American Legion bar nursing a beer, when I looked out the window and saw a beautiful young woman approaching the door very hesitantly. After several seconds of attempting to peer inside, she decided to enter.  I turned and said, "Boys and girls, we have a lost woman," and gave her my very best smile. She walked directly to me, looked me in the eye and said, "You must be Ralph."
I smiled broader and admitted that I was. She said that she had heard that if she wanted an opinion on something, then she should talk to me. I said, "Let's get a table."
The young woman was a reporter and wanted my opinion of allowing women to serve in combat units. By now, Gentle Readers, I would hope that you would know that I know (KNOW) that women have been "in combat" for a long time without getting credit.
Anyway, my opinion is not the point of this opining. 
The point is that I basically laid out my whole philosophy of life to this woman and she began to ask questions that were.....off topic.
After talking to her for almost two hours, she asked me what the number one piece of advice I give other young people, and here is what I said...perfectly worded with a dramatic whisper toward the end.....you would have been impressed at the drama.
"Do you know what rules are made for?" I asked.
She smiled, "Rules are made to be broken."
I leaned in close. "No, my dear. Rules are made....to....break........you."
She thanked me warmly for the advice, but drew up short of a hug, which disappointed me...not for the physical contact, but for the culmination of a spiritual bonding...one old man touching another young mind.

Get a Princess Leia costume, bitch, and join the fucking party.  Jeeeeez.

The Brits and the Irish....it only took a few hundred years for sanity to settle upon the land...

A JOKE: A woman was having her fortune read and the seer gasped, "Your husband will soon suffer a very violent death!"
The woman whispered, "Will I get acquitted?"


Human Resources at its very best...

ANOTHER JOKE: As a burglar crept through a house, he heard a voice say, "Jesus is watching you."
He said, "Who is that?"
Again the voice said, "Jesus is watching you."
So the guy turns on the light and sees a parrot, who again said, "Jesus is watching you."
The guy said, "Are you Jesus?"
The parrot says, "No, I'm Moses."
The guy said, "Watch kind of family would name their parrot Moses?"
The parrot said, "The same family that named their Rottweiler Jesus."

After all those years living off the fat of the land, it turned out there was no fat of the land.

In planes, on trains or anywhere else, I always find myself seeking new views. I could no more keep my eyes from that window than I could......but why are we "in" planes, but "on" trains?

TRUE: I asked a guy tonight how he was doing. He said, "I'm so happy that I have to sit on both my hands to keep me from just waving at everybody."
I didn't even ask him to explain it. I just enjoyed it.

It grosses me out to go to the grocery store. Every time I pass a cart with toilet paper, I visualize them taking a shit.

Have you ever fallen asleep with your last thought being how weird your poop would be the next morning?

Mazda's new marketing slogan is "We Build Mazdas."
They decided on it after rejecting others like: "Mazdas Are Cars" and "Buy Mazdas With Money."

I found this interesting in terms of "Total deaths as % of 1939 population....

 What did Lithuania do to piss everybody off?

I know it's silly, but goddamnit, sometimes I like silly...

Money is like an everywhere gift card.

Canadian vandals...

I don't know what you call it where you are from, but down here we call this a perfect trifecta...

I've never wanted a poncho so much in my life....

I read that from Panama you can watch the sun rise on the Pacific Ocean and set on the Atlantic. Is that true?

Add caption

"Honey, have you seen Fluffy this morning?"

WHY DON'T THE FUCKING MANUFACTURERS DO IT?!?!

Saw a TV show about people in Alaska putting a bunch of these outside their doors and under their windows to deter bears...

I love what winter does to women's nipples....and I regret nothing.

When someone looks at me and says, "Oh, yeah, well I can drink more beer than you any day."

One of my very own...

Want to end a conversation? Just say, "Please stop talking. You are lowering the IQ of the whole bar."

I remember the exact look on my daughter's face when she caught her first fish. I told her that we needed to clean it and, in glee, she ran off to return with a wash rag and soap. Then I showed her what "clean a fish" meant and she lost all interest in fishing.

This whole fucking story is so stupid I am hesitant to even make fun of it...

OOMVO...

NOTE: I used screen saver to capture that image I made, but my Power Point saved at just the right moment that I captured the loading bar. I elected to leave it, since it made perfectly good sense with the "give me an hour"....like the clock is running.

It's so cold I can barely tolerate the 3 1/2 minutes I'm outdoors every day.

I like a Secretary of State who is....observant...

Solar powered automatic mower...

How they handle parking problems in Russia...

Has it ever occurred to you guys that you have as many Tour de France wins as Lance Armstrong and twice as many testicles?

You get so far with the polishing and then run out of Brasso. Every time.

Lying: Because disappointing people all the time can get depressing.
(that's actually profound)

You are doing it wrong...

So what would you do? I know how to solve the problem...give it a minute....

You let half the air out of the tires, back out, then refill the tires.

You are doing it wrong...

"Put me in the game, Coach!"

Oh, here's that new "How to merge" video from Russia...

I wonder how many people recognize this...

OOMVO...