WEDNESDAY #1430

Most of you may not know this, but the real beauty of this automobile is that the owner can fix it themselves. You can change all the fenders, the bumpers, hood and trunk with just a wrench. The motor can be removed with four bolts and a throttle and heater connection. 

 If I were a young man or woman, I would grab a fucking good camera and head to every abandoned building I could find. In an environment like that it's hard not to take good photographs...

I had to fuss at my wife for leaving the bathroom door completely shut with the light on. I don't need this Schrodinger's Pooper nonsense.

I think we need to define "education"...

"Excuse me, miss. What the fuck are you doing?"

I like to pretend I'm an out-of-work porn star.

I like these...

I'm glad climate change has improved the quality of my winter cigarette breaks.

Every cloud as a silver lining.
(except for the mushroom shaped ones, which have a lining of Iridium and Strontium 90)

So the Aussies discover oil...

Fuck almond milk! Almonds ain't even got titties.

Exactly...

 How could he not? You can tell by that shit eating grin that he had planned this for a long, long time...

Life is better when you are laughing.
I've never meant anything more in my life.
And don't cop out with some bullshit about life being cruel and unfair. Life is fucking hilarious...absurdly hilarious.
Now fucking smile, goddamnit!

Today the guy at the Taco Bell drive thru accidentally said "Have a nice day, I love you," and I thoughtlessly responded "Love you, too" and we just sort of stared at each other for a second before I drove away.

Sometimes I wonder if the old men sitting on the benches in the mall waiting on their wives to finish shopping were old when they sat down.

I declare today, "Hit that dumb person you've always wanted to punch in the face day."

Every woman's reaction when told you want to do it in her no-no hole for your birthday...

My doctor told me to stop drinking.
Then he told me to stop laughing.

One of my very own...

If anything can go wrong, it will go wrong...

I like to listen to "The Wheels on the Bus go Round and Round" when I'm driving because I can relate to it.

OOMVO...

Of all the people in the world, wouldn't you think this guy would be the one, when told he must sit on top of a ladder in the water, would just say, "Fuck you, I'm outta here."

I almost started my day with a positive attitude, but sarcasm stepped in and saved the day.

This is one of the truest things you will read all day...

Have you ever not wanted to meet someone so badly that you went out on the balcony and farted in your hand before greeting them?

A man travels around the world faster than the speed of light, allowing him to see himself from behind. If he checks out his own ass does that make him gay?

OOMVO...

These motherfuckers live in this air every day...

They must not know that there is a little arrow right next to you fuel gauge that tells you which side your tank is...

I believe in second chances, I just don't think everyone deserves them.

I am still amazed at how everyone finds this such a no-no topic for civil discourse. I think we should share our ideas...

 You meet your friends at a bar and say, "Hey, I tried something new last night and it was great. Here's how you do it...."

But no, we all walk around like it's our own little secret whose name must not be spoken.

I don't get it.

Interesting perspective...

To all you black people who think you don't get hired because you're black, I say lighten up.

Remember, folks, there is much more evidence that these things exist than that they don't exist...

To scare off a mountain lion, try to make yourself appear larger with your clothing, or just shout "I love you mountain lion!" way too soon.

Looks kind of like James Carville don't it....

This is a real street. I would get a hard-on every time I walked on it...

When people say "It's better than sex", it tells me they aren't having the right kind of sex.

1000 words...

Even a halfway descent blowjob is significantly more beautiful than the world's most beautiful sunset.

Can you imagine Ray Lewis doing this during the Super Bowl? I think not...

I think everyone should do this at least once in their lives...

Secrets are safe with me...largely because I don't care, and I'll probably forget.

It's always dangerous to use one's entire vocabulary in a single sentence.

Remember, no matter how bad it gets for you, someone, somewhere in the world is in the emergency room having something removed from up their ass.

He calls this "Weapon of Mass Instruction"...

So many cats, so few recipes.

I bet there are always some very tight buttholes every time they do this...