FRIDAY #1444

I hope you had a better Valium-times Day than I did...

My buddy, Rupert, does shit like this all the time...

We have had no winter. Only one day was it below freezing. I voiced my alarm at this to some friends and they wanted to know why I was complaining, since mild weather is attractive to our species.
I said that next year it might be just the opposite.
Of course, there ain't a thing in the world we can do about it. The atmosphere will take centuries to right itself and we can't lower CO2 enough to matter without going back to poking pigs with a stick for subsistence. 

When I was younger, I would have gotten this girl into positions that she didn't even know were positions or possible...

This is the way I enter the house when my wife has a bunch of women over. I'm trying to remember my wife's instructions of what I am and am not allowed to discuss with them. 

Like that awkward time I told a bunch of them about the time I had sex with  chicken.
The chicken was not alive, but rather due to be a meal, so I thought it was okay.

This guy photographs his daughter made up to mimic famous paintings. It's a good thing...

My wife thinks that he went his own way so that he could star in a spin-off...

I think this is a universal sentiment...

This is a repost, but I read it through 7 times anyway...

How about it, Billy? You up for this?

When they come up with synchronized swimming for men, I have watched my last Olympics...

Why do people fake things like this?  If you're not sure, watch the hand holding the base.

It really is possible to enjoy life without moving off you ass all day. Never give up your dreams. It's as simple as hitting the snooze button.
I should write a book.

Wait for it....

The dumbing down of America.
Sophisticated word usage in State of the Union addresses...

Just realized that this guy was the asshole in "Rise of the Apes." What a douchebag. I bet he's always casted as a bad guy...

This man places music using female butts as drums...

 I want his job.

Can't drink alcohol with new meds. I've been sober for 36 hours.
If you're happy and you know it shake your meds.

I will state again, if I had a teenage son who DIDN'T watch porn and smoke pot, THEN I would send him to therapy....

Live long and happily you magnificent bastard...

The warrior above was fighting for our "freedom". 
Think about that a minute...

This is a national disgrace...

Trying to figure out if I would want her job...

Couldn't you just see a Starbucks with a little booth where you could shove one of these up your own ass...

So many problems, so little leadership...

Many years ago our government decided to gerrymander district to ensure "adequate" black representation. The side effect was districts with a majority of blacks and other with a majority of whites. In most states blacks are mostly Democratic and whites are Republican.
Therefore, nobody had to please both groups, so one went farther to the left and the other farther to the right; thus, gridlock.
In the old days, the center was the place to be, to at least appear to care about the people in your district who was not like you. Now, they all have to appeal to their extreme base.

Wanting to take away guns to reduce suicides is the weakest rationale of them all.

I would much rather a person blow is brains out with a gun than run his car head long into mine or burn down his apartment building.

And whose to say people ought to be denied the right to end their lives? Actually we let them do it all the time, but we call it something else.
Very sick people can demand not to treated. So a nurse dopes them up to kill the pain, then simply let's the starve to death.
Confusing that.

An Alka-Seltzer in a bubble of water in zero gravity...

Not in a million years...

Have you been drawing T-Rex wrong your whole life?

Scientists now think it walked in a much more bird posture with the tail balancing out the torso...

Once had a guy tell me that he didn't drink to get drunk.
I think he missed the whole fucking point.

One of my very own...

America, where voting against the Violence Against Women Art won't ruin your career, but getting thirsty on TV will.

 I never saw a horse...

There are two very important horse races in South Carolina. One of them is the Camden Cup where spectators flood the infield. Most get very, very drunk, thus the statement above.

If you think you can do this...try it.....please...

I'm not retired, I'm on eternity leave.

North Korea is starting to piss me off.

What the fuck is the US to do now that North Korea has a missile capable of reaching the US and a warhead small enough to mount atop it?
What would you do if you were president?

Ever been at a party and walked in on a woman in the bathroom?

Fish are always eating other fish. If fish could scream, the ocean would be loud as shit.

You can pretty much turn anything that you do in life into a drinking game.

One of my very own...

I think the next big war will be the result of some country successfully cyber attacking us and we kick their ass.

There have been countless unsuccessful attacks on us...none too major. And they won't stop. Imagine if "just" the banking system is shut down for a few weeks. This place would go insane.

I try very hard not to do or say anything that's going to be remotely moronic. Unlike this next bitch...

They used fractals to design the phone antenna you carry around with you...

"Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"
   "No."
"Me, too."

If life made sense, we would be able to continue pissing while we sneezed.

Not sure this works for me...

I think stereotyping is an excellent way to deter, or at least  identify, the most likely threat.  I think we are genetically predisposed to do this. If ninety percent of the home break-ins are committed by young black men, would I be racists to be on the alert for young black men lurking around my neighborhood? 
If all of the terrorists attacks are either white supremacists or young arab men, we would be insane not to let that information help us.

We men are, in fact, just big little boys...

NO POST ON SATURDAY